Song Snippet

While I have to admit that including song lyrics is somewhat of a page from the annuals of a soccer mom in terms of blogging style, I think sometimes posting a bit of a song is a great way to express my current mood. That being the case, here's an excerpt from one that's on my mind today:

Have you ever needed someone so bad?
Have you ever wanted someone you just couldn't have?
Did you ever try so hard that your world just fell apart?
Have you ever needed someone so bad?
And you're the girl I gotta have.
I gotta have you baby, yeah...

Reflection

I've lived a rich and full life. Indeed, I think I've lived more at 34 than most people do in their entire life.

• I've been to 47 of the 50 states
• I've been to more than 20 countries outside the US
• I've taken 9 cruises
• I served my country honorably a faithfully as a Paratrooper for almost 7 years, including a combat tour in Iraq
• I successfully made it through both Airborne, and Air Assault school
• I made Sergeant in the Army, and got to experience leading soldiers
• I've lost everything and started over -- numerous times
• I overcame bankruptcy
• I completed both a Bachelors and a Masters Degree
• I made it to the top of my profession
• I've worked in New York City, or more specifically Manhattan
• I've owned (and still own) my dream car (A BMW 325i)
• I've known friendship that transcends time and distance
• I've experienced the love and adoration from a child that only a parent can know
• I know what it's like to fall from the sky, and dive to the depths of the ocean
• I've rapelled from buildings, walls, towers, and hovering helicopters
• I've piloted an airplane
• I've been the Jumpmaster and had people entrust me with their life on an actually military jump
• I accidentally walked through a minefield, and lived to tell about it
• I've witnessed the miracle of childbirth, and experienced the anguish of death
• I've seen the attrocities of war, and the resilience of human nature
• I've gone swimming in a crystal clear lake deep under the ground, inside a cave
• I've been skinny dipping at natural hotspring
• I experienced Marti Gras before New Orleans was defined by Katrina
• I've stared death in the face more times than I'd like to count. In a sense, we've become old friends.
• I've been honored and reviled; loved and hated; followed and ignored.
• I've managed to sample most of the spicy seasonings that gives life its variety

In short, I'm almost finished. There are very few things that remain on my checklist. What I have not accomplished is watching my kids to off to college, and writing that book.

Driven

I think I'll come out of this experience being a better husband. I've come to see that no marriage is bullet proof, no matter how long you've been together, and no matter how it might feel. Every day must be a courtship, and sometimes it's the little things that count the most.

Something that came to mind during my workout this morning was that I'm a very driven person. I also tend to drive those around me, if not by actively pushing them, then passively by driving myself (who can really sit by and slack when someone else is working hard?)

This works really well when I'm in charge of a team, but perhaps not so well if you happen to be my wife. I can't help but wonder if this factored into the present situation at all? Was some small part of it that she got tired of the pace? I'll probably never know.

In any event, I've decided to strive to teach my children a strong work ethic, but also to make sure that they learn to temper their drive with reason. Being driven can achieve great results, but you have to be mindful to not let it consume you. In the end, the brightest flame burns out first, and when the fire goes out, sometimes it cannot be re-lit.

On Life and Being Single

It's a funny thing. The stereotypical "male response" to situations like this seems to be to go crazy with new found freedom. That may be the stereotype, but that's not how I feel at all.

Several weeks ago, I had a funny conversation with my son. It went something like this:

Him: Dad?
Me: Yes, son?
Him: Does this mean you're going to start dating again?
Me: Oh, I don't know, son - probably eventually. We'll have to see how it goes.
Him: I don't want you to.
Me: Why not?
Him: Because I don't want you bringing any skanks home.
Me: (laughing) Well, I'm not really attracted to those type of women, so I don't think you need to worry.
Him: (pausing to think) What about "money grubbers"?
Me: I'll be careful. I think I'll be okay.
Him: Okay, in that case, I want you start dating. Why don't you go on a date this weekend?
Me: (smiling) Well, son, I'm not really ready for that. How about this: when I feel ready, if I happen to meet an attractive lady and I feel like I'd like to have dinner with her or go to a movie, I'll ask her out then.
Him: Okay
(I give him a hug, and he seems more cheerful)

So here we are several weeks later. I haven't been on any dates, I'm not seeing anyone or grooming anyone to see them later, and I have no plans to do so. I did have a nice phone conversation that helped put things in perspective, but as I predicted, nothing came of it, and that's fine with me. I guess you could say I'm taking a little time to get to know myself.

I've gotten used to my new role as single parent. I don't mind running the house by myself, doing the cooking, or any of that. Mostly, my unmet needs at this point are emotional. It would be nice to share life's problems with someone, or to have that encouraging hug when I've had a rough day.

Everyone tells me how well I'm doing, how strong I am, and how fast I'm getting through this. Outwardly, that is certainly the case. From my perspective, though, it's Hobson's Choice. Of course I continue - I have children to worry about. Of course I go to work - I have bills to pay.
Of course I look on the bright side of life - the alternative is much much worse.

I actually started humming an old song yesterday (must be my subconscious at work), and when I realized it, I looked up the lyrics. They fit this situation rather well. Here's a sample from part of the song (emphasis added):

Ever since I met you
You're the only love I've known
And I can't forget you
Though I must face it all alone

All at once,
I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Wishing you'd come back to me
And that's all that matters now

All at once,
I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Holding on to memories
And it hurts me more than you know
So much more than it shows
All at once

Nobody ever said it would be easy, and it's not. But I keep going forward, one day it a time, one foot in front of the other, as the journey continues.

Father to a Daughter

My daughter and I have a great relationship. I'd even go so far as to say she feels comfortable talking to me about almost anything (how many dads out there were the first to know when their daughters entered puberty?) Through this experience, she has become fiercely loyal to her daddy. Sure, she was my girl before, but with this shared experience, we seem to have an even stronger bond.

For the record, I also have a very close relationship with my son. That said, the purpose of this post is to talk about what's going on with my daughter. I'll discuss my son in another post.

Today my little girl (I guess 15 still counts as a "little girl" to a father) had final exams, so she was out of school at 9:30. She took public transportation home, and called me when she was on her way. When I talked to her, she said she was really close to the grocery store, and asked if I would like her to stop and pick up some of the turkey sandwiches we both like so much. That way we could share them for lunch. She even paid with her own money! Lunch with a daughter may seem like a small thing, but it's something that I really treasure.

As I've said, I have a great relationship with my daughter, and I support her in a fair amount of activities (e.g. ice skating). Still, as a single dad, I think it's important for her to have a positive female role model as much as possible. So when she asked me to take her shopping for some clothes, I decided that was an opportunity for her to have a little womanly mentoring. Thus I asked a very special friend if she would mind taking my daughter on a little field trip.

In the spirit of anonymity, I cannot disclose the identity of this individual (she's happily married, so don't go getting any ideas). I will say that I really appreciate her support, though. She and her husband have really been there for me through this. So yesterday she and my daughter took their little field trip, and I think it was a very positive experience for both of them.

I'm realizing that although there are some things that I cannot do by myself, that doesn't mean I will falter or fail. At the end of the day, I'm a person who gets things done. Sure, sometimes I have to be a little creative, but the results are what matter.

Odd Dream

I had a really strange dream Saturday night, and I thought I'd share it.

In the dream, I was driving on the freeway, and my car broke down. There were people with me, but I don't remember clearly who (I think it was my kids). I called a tow truck, but when it arrived, there was no operator, so I had to hook up my car myself.

I hooked the car up and lifted the front wheels off the ground. Then, because the cab of the tow truck was locked, I knew I'd have to ride behind it in my car. The problem was that there was no driver. Instead, there was a control box with a long wire that I strung back to my car. So I ended up sitting in the driver's seat of my car, trying to remotely control the tow truck that was towing me.

Driving on the freeway was a little challenging, because I couldn't see over the tow truck. I tried to go slow, use my signals, and watch for other cars as much as possible. Then I woke up.

I think this dream could have several meanings for me. It could mean that I now have to help myself. It could also mean that I realize that I now have to do things myself that traditionally I had help with, but that I'll manage. Another interpretation might be that although I cannot see the road ahead, I have no choice but to take control and go forward. Maybe it's a combination of all three.

I welcome any other amateur interpretations.

Today's Theme

My thought for today is actually a couple of verses from the Chumbawamba song "Tubthumping". Given the situation, they seem very appropriate:

Don't cry for me
Next door neighbor...

I get knocked down
But I get up again
You're never going to keep me down

Succinct, germane, to the point, and yes, a bit cheesy. But it fits.

Why Help?

One reader of my blog whom I've been corresponding with, and who also happens to be going through something similar to my situation, asked me why I would want to help a stranger.

When I think about it, it's an interesting question. The answer in part, oddly enough, is because I'm an Atheist. As I've said, since I don't believe that some supreme deity is going to intercede on anyones behalf, I think it's our responsibility to take care of one another.

Also, I have often relied on the kindness of strangers. Arguably, the support I get visavis the comments on this blog is an example of that.

Finally, I genuinely like helping people. As I noted in a previous post, I'm a fixer.