Monday, January 15, 2007

It's Over

Sometimes it's helpful to take a few days off and let things sit before I write about them. For those of you who have been waiting and wondering, I'm sorry it has taken so long.

On Thursday, my wife read my last blog post, and I guess it gave her the courage to do what she feels she needs to. I asked her if she wanted a divorce, and she told me yes. I explained that I didn't want one, but that I would not hold her in a relationship she didn't want, and she thanked me. After a little discussion, we decided to file in Virginia (where she lives now) because the laws are a lot better than in Maryland. It will take about another 5 months for all to be said and done.

I have not told the kids, although I did discuss it with their therapist. My reasoning is that telling them will not change anything, but it will probably be very upsetting for them. By waiting, they won't have to worry about school because they'll be out for the summer, and they will be much more used to the situation. Their therapist agreed with my approach, so apparently, it is a good one.

I have good days and bad days. I think that much is clear from what I write here. Although I am doing better, sometimes it is extremely difficult. I find myself thinking about her all the time. Everywhere I go, with everything I do, I see her in my mind. I often times find myself reminiscing about happier times, or wondering what she's doing. We've agreed to be friends, and honestly, if that is all I can have I'll take it. Some would think me foolish, but the situation is what it is.

She told me she feels like I write this blog to put on a show, and that I'm painting her as the bad guy. I wish I could make her understand that I am not trying to do that. I told her she was free to leave a comment on the blog, but she expressed concern that the other commenters would attack her. Somehow, she sees my readers as minions who will blindly defend me even when I'm wrong. I don't think that's the case at all, and I would hope that everyone who reads this realizes that there are two sides to every story. This blog only presents one.

When this first happened, I called my in-laws to let them know that as far as I was concerned, this would not change the relationship I have with them. My father-in-law never had a son, so in many ways, I've filled in as a surrogate. I've also taken care of the Website for his business for the past 8 years, and I wanted him to know that he didn't have to worry about it.

The response I got was heartwarming, and comforting. Her parents told me that they loved me, and me not being with their daughter anymore would not change that. They said they still want to see me and the kids, and that I am always welcome in their home. I really appreciate that.

On Saturday, I talked to her parents again. I've started calling every Saturday just to stay in touch now that we don't have that common link anymore. That might strike some as odd, but her folks are good people. They event sent my parents a Christmas card.

She hasn't told her grandmother yet, so although I desperately want to talk to her, I'm not really comfortable doing so. Her grandmother has a reputation for being a little difficult, yet she has come to the conclusion that I can do no wrong. Frankly, I think she's a pretty neat lady, and I worry about her health. I'm not sure when she'll get the news, but I hope she's not angry with me for not telling her. In any event, it's not really my place to say anything.

My wife has not been in contact with my parents since she left. That's unfortunate, because I think she might be surprised. My mom is (obviously) very sympathetic to what I'm going through, and she hurts when I do. She's also very intelligent and worldly. As a logical creature (much like myself), my mom is able to separate her grief from the situation and look at things semi-objectively. Indeed, several times she has told me that her heart also goes out to my wife, and that she understands her position.

It's foolish, perhaps, but I'm still of the opinion that we're not to a point where there is no going back (or forward, as the case may be). Like her father told me Saturday, as long as things are friendly, there is always hope. One never knows what tomorrow might bring.


Anonymous said...

wow, you said so much. i think its great that you continue to be able to articulate things so well here.

its amazing that you were able to be strong enough to let her go and do her thing even though that could be one of the most painful things you've ever had to do. that shows amazing strength.

you're not pathetic for still holding hope out there. you love her and always will on some level. not to give false hope, but an interesting point - you never know. i know a few people who divorced and managed to come back together in a stronger place - some just as friends, some re-married, and some that are neighbors with their ex-spouse and get along better than they ever did when they were married. time will certainly tell.

she's not a bad guy, you're absolutely right and she shouldn't feel like that - doesn't mean that maybe i haven't read and thought wow, that sucks too bad she couldn't look at this situation a little differently.

its very good that you're staying in touch with her family, i hope that at some point she'll want to do the same with your family - when there is a little more distance from things and she's able to feel less guilty about her decision - becuase i'm guessing that is what she's feeling that is keeping her from calling - although it is hard to day.

regardless, you're still making amazing progress. you know that you'll need to be very realistic about the healing process, just keep reminding yourself on those really bad days when you want to crawl under a rock to hide and cry that you're going to just have those days - you seem to know this logically.

i wish you the very best in what's to come, just keep your chin up in the process but let it flow here, this is important that you're able to express yourself somewhere and get support.

Dream Reader said...

There are definitely 2 sides to every story and hopefully your wife is strong enough to realize that this is just your way of dealing with the hand that life has dealt you.
It's great that you can still have a relationship with your in-laws. If I were to get a divorce I would have a pretty hard time...I work with my mother in law every day!!! She's a wonderful mother in law and I've even had a heart to heart with her and told her I didn't know what the future would hold for my husband and I, and asked if that was going to present problems in the office. She assured me that she and I are not only mother and daughter in law, but we're friends too. Hmmm... We'll see...