Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Losing Momentum

It's funny how much your mood can change throughout a single day. I started out today pretty optimistic. I got up at 4AM, got a little computer time in, and made waffles for my kids for breakfast before they had to go to school. I didn't even mind ironing my clothes. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to lose my optimism. I think there are several reasons.

First, I talked to my wife this morning, and I managed to make her mad. She feels like I'm still invading her space. I wish there were a handbook for things like this -- then I'd know what the rules were so I could just follow them. In any event, after our positive visit yesterday, things seem worse today. (Up, down, up, down, up down...)

Really, it's my own fault. I just can't seem to stop myself from letting that optimism creep in. Granted, there's nothing wrong with optimism in and of itself, but it has a tendency to pull you up, which sometimes means that the drop is that much further when you have to come down again. (Up, down, up, down, up down...)

I just came out of a business meeting, and it looks like I may have to go to Boston for a day or two (more? I hope not) next week. For some reason, that thought makes me lonely, nervous, and tired. That means I'll have to find someone to stay with the kids. (My wife, you say? I suspect that would violate the space rule, but again, I have no handbook.) Also, traveling is a financial burden I could really do without at present time, to say nothing of how exhausting business travel can be. Furthermore, let's face it: Boston isn't exactly a vacation destination in January. (Up, down, up, down, up down...)

I haven't said a peep about what's going on to anyone at work. If they knew, I'm afraid that it would become a convenient excuse anytime anything went wrong. If they don't know it's happening, they can't use it to assign blame. It's not that I don't respect my coworkers. In fact, quite the opposite is true. It's a mere question of human nature. (Up, down, up, down, up down...)

The net result is that I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. Today is my son's birthday, which means it's going to be a rough night in more ways than one. I have to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work. Then, around 7, some friends are coming over, as is my wife. (Up, down, up, down, up down...)

This should be the last obligatory visit now that the holidays are over. Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about that, either. I guess the simple truth is that a part of me is still hanging on. (Up, down, up, down, up down...)

I hope things go well tonight. I'm emotionally exhausted.


Dream Reader said...

Well if this was supposed to be easy you wouldn't have titled this blog "Watch me Heal" The healing process is long nd difficult. That you knew it going in doesn't change the feelings. Today isn't a great, OK. Yesterday and the day before were pretty good. Deal with the bad and apreciate the good. That's all you really can do, right?
I myself am home sick in bed (YUK). It's the first work day of the new year and I had all my ideas and resolutions to start today. Oh well, my good intentions will still be there tomorrow, right?
My resolve to make things work with my husband didn't turn out real great. We got in two fights yeaterday!! (Up, down, up, down...???)

Wounded Heart said...

Fighting isn't always bad (it's communication, after all). Just make sure to fight fair. Maybe you should print some of my posts and leave them somewhere for your husband to read. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, I can really relate to your pain and the ups and downs of loss and grief. I recently miscarried, only to find out it wasn't a miscarriage but an ectopic pregnancy. As if loosing my baby wasn't enough, I had to take a drug to kill the fetus. I can't help but feel that it's all my fault and if only I had done something different, maybe I could have kept the baby. Then again, maybe this is one of those things that I have no control over - just like you don't have control over other people's actions and feelings. It will get better, humans can only endure pain for so long before something breaks. Keep your chin up.

Wounded Heart said...

I'm definitely sorry to hear about your struggle. (And for the record, I know who you are.)

My daughter sometimes comments that she doesn't think things could get worse. Inevitably, I explain that things can always be worse.

I'm very thankful for the things in my life that are going well. For example, things would be much worse if my house burned down, if a loved one died, or if I discovered I had a serious health problem. Reading your post drives this point even further home.

Thank you for sharing.