Saturday, December 23, 2006

Setting the Record Straight

It is human nature to assign blame. It seems like everything always has to be someones fault. I think that plays into our sense of justice -- there are good guys, and bad guys. Everything is always the bad guy's fault. But what if there is no bad guy?

While I sincerely appreciate all of the well wishes and support, I think it's important to prevent the perception that I am the "innocent victim" here (e.g. the good guy). Clearly things would be easier if we could write this off as one of those things that is all her fault. Meanwhile, back in the real world, things are never that cut and dry.

First, understand that you're only getting one side of the story here -- mine. Even at that, you're only getting the things I feel like blogging about. You won't read, for example, that I didn't get my wife anything for her birthday this year (even though I deeply regret it). Yes, I planned on getting her something, but at the end of the day, I failed.

I would also point out that we each took risks when we got together that we knew were risks. She was exceptionally young. I knew it, I knew it was a risk, and I knew that this was potentially one of the outcomes. I accepted the risk, which means I must also accept the consequences. Furthermore, I was not young, and I had the benefit of experience. If you burn your hand on a hot stove, most people don't blame the manufacturer. It's a stove - it's supposed to be hot!

For the record, my wife was always and continues to be very caring, supportive, and concerned for my well-being. It's one of the things that I love about her. She didn't leave me for another man, and she didn't denigrate me as she went out the door. As I understand it, she merely felt like she needed room to grow.

Sometimes it's easy to forget that apart from the couple entity, a marriage also consists of two individuals. As 1/2 of a couple, I'm extremely hurt by all of this. But, as an individual, I support her decision. 20 years from now, we may look back on this as something that preserved our marriage (the fact that we were allowed to grow individually, as well as together), or we may look back as friends, and decide that it was a good decision for the friendship.

In any event, I don't think this is a situation where assigning blame is productive or deserved. I haven't, and you shouldn't either.

PS: As odd as it may seem, we have a date today. She should be here in about 45 minutes. Please wish me well.


Dream Reader said...

Hi, it's me again. It's so nice to see that your not playing the blame game. Just don't go so far that you start taking it all. OK? It takes two make a marriage and it takes two to break one. Trust me...I REALLY know what your going through!! Anyway, I was just wondering how your "date" went.
More later.

Dream Reader said...

Apparently computers are still beyond me! I just left you a comment but it didn't go through (at least I don't think it did) so I'm going to leave it again. If you've already gotten it, I apologize:)
My comment was...I like to see that your not playing the "Blame Game". My only advise to you is, make sure you don't don't go so far the other way and start taking ALL the blame. It takes two people to make a marriage and it takes two people to break it. Believe me...I speak from experience! Although I still have a hard time admitting or realizing what I do to cause problems in my marriage. But that's a whole other story!! LOL:)
Well, I was just wondering how your "date" went yesterday. I hope all is well.
More later!

Wounded Heart said...

Actually, to protect my privacy I have comment moderation turned on. In practice, that means that comments will not appear until I approve them.

You should know that as a matter of ethics, though, I will not censor for anything other than privacy information. If someone wants to say something I find distasteful, they should be prepared for my response, but so long as I can maintain annonymity here, I will approve any comment made.