For some reason, I feel a lot better today. I'm realizing that this isn't the end. It's not even the beginning of the end. It's merely the end of the beginning.
I still love my wife, and I still want her back. No matter what happens, I always will. Still, it's nice to not feel so black.
Ironically, while I'm feeling better emotionally, I'm feeling worse physically. I'm one of those people who very rarely gets sick, and when I do, my immune system knocks it out quickly. Unfortunately, stress takes its toll even on me. I'm achy and I have a scratchy nasal passage and throat. Also, my knee is killing me today (7 years as a Paratrooper also takes a toll). But I know the knee will feel better in a day or so, and I'll probably just end up with a mild cold.
Perhaps one reason for my optimism is because things went well for my daughter's birthday last night. I picked up an ice cream cake for her (as requested), and cooked her favorite meal. The meal turned out great, she loved the cake, and she was ecstatic with the birthday presents (jewelry).
My kids have been my island of sanity through this. We seem to share each other's pain. I grieve when they do, and they hurt for me as much as themselves. I think seeing them a bit more happy perks me up, and I hope my new found optimism will have the same effect on them.
Another thing that has really helped me through this is my parents. I call them 5 or 6 times a day, and they are always willing to listen. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I complain, sometimes I rejoice. Regardless of the reason, they're always willing to share it with me and to offer some kind words and hope. I love you, mom & dad.
Although this is anonymous so I can't really give the credit deserved, it's worth mentioning that I also have a few close friends who have really stepped forward. You know who you are. All I can say is thank you for telling me when the sun is shining.
Finally, I think writing helps. I've always been an emotional creature. Unlike a lot of men, I prefer to talk about my feelings. I'm generally the one who wants to talk things out. Also, I like show tunes and theater - but don't tell anyone. ;-)