Hope

"Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

- The character Red in The Shawshank Redemption

I had a better night last night. My wife came over to help get my son ready for a choral concert, and then we attended the concert as a family. Things almost felt normal for a while, and it was a welcome respite from the suffering. Even temporary relief is relief.

I did make one slip up: I showed her this blog. I knew it was a risk, but I decided to take it. She felt like it was an attempt on my part to make her feel guilty. Actually, she was part right. It was an attempt on my part to influence her feelings, but guilt wasn't a factor in what I had in mind. I guess I keep hoping for one of those great movie moments where the wife has the dawning realization that her husband loves her, and she loves him. Guess what, movie buffs-- things don't work that way in real life (or so I'm finding out).

After my faux pas, and based on what she perceived as an unfavorable reception from the kids, she was inclined to leave before the concert. I convinced her to go along, and agreed that she wouldn't have to stay for dinner after if she were uncomfortable. As it turns out, she opted to stay (even if briefly).

We talked a little, and I was reminded of the friendship aspect of our relationship. The simple truth is that I really do enjoy her company. She has a great sense of humor, and we have literally hundreds of inside jokes that nobody else would understand.

Which brings me back to hope. She agreed to go to some counseling with me after things calm down a bit. We also tentatively have a date to go to the movies this weekend, and we're playing it by ear to see how it goes for Christmas.

Hope keeps me going, but it also scares the hell out of me because I'm afraid it will cloud my judgement. Will I be able to see a problem, or will I be a damn fool and ignore the truth merely because it's not what I hope will happen? Is it reasonable of me to hope I can win her back, or is she merely being nice to me out of respect because she's a good person?

She is a good person, but I'm hoping that she's not just being nice. That's not to say I want her to be mean, it's merely a question of me hoping that there is some deeper meaning in how she treats me.

I slept a little better last night. I only woke up shivering and soaked in sweat twice. That may sound like a lot, but it was a vast improvement from the night before. Also, although I woke about every hour or two, I still got more sleep. Things always seem better with a hot meal and a night's sleep.

I hope the rest of the day goes as well. Her and I are supposed to goChristmas shopping for the kids tonight.