When You Come Back to Me Again
by Garth Brooks
Theres a ship out, on the ocean
At the mercy of the sea
It's been tossed about, lost and broken
Wandering aimlessly
And God somehow you know that ship is me
'cause theres a lighthouse, in the harbor
Shining faithfully
Pouring its light out, across the water
For this sinking soul to see
That someone out there still believes in me
On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I'm reaching out 'til we reach the circle's end
When you come back to me again
Theres a moment we all come to
In our own time and our own space
Where all that weve done, we can undo
If our heart's in the right place
On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I'm reaching out 'til we reach the circles end
When you come back to me again
And again I see my yesterdays in front of me
Unfolding like a mystery
Youre changing all that is and used to be
On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I'm reaching out til we reach the circles end
When you come back to me again
When you come back to me again
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Monday, January 22, 2007
Song of the Day
I almost never reproduce song lyrics in their entirety. Today, I'm going to make an exception, so grab your kleenex, read the lyrics, and think about how well this particular song fits.
Aftermath
I may have to add this post to my list of regrets later, especially if it solicits an unfavorable reaction from my wife, but it is helpful for me to write.
I've come to the conclusion that I love her, and I am not giving up. I don't care if it's not healthy. I don't care what people think. I will win her back, or more accurately, the new person that I am will win over the new person that she is. I don't care if I spend the rest of my life alone while I do it. I know what I want, and I know what it is worth to me. The sacrifice is insignificant and ultimately unimportant.
I told a friend not long ago that I would happily trade the final 20 years of my life in exchange for spending the time between now and then with her. I said it, and I mean it, for what use is 20 years of a meaningless existence?
I recently wrote of marriage vows, and especially the part about "for better, for worse". I won't be a hypocrite. I didn't get where I am today by quitting, and I'm certainly not going to start now. We may be going through the "for worse" part mentioned in my vows, but I wont' give up so long as there is breath in my lungs and fire in my heart.
I've come to the conclusion that I love her, and I am not giving up. I don't care if it's not healthy. I don't care what people think. I will win her back, or more accurately, the new person that I am will win over the new person that she is. I don't care if I spend the rest of my life alone while I do it. I know what I want, and I know what it is worth to me. The sacrifice is insignificant and ultimately unimportant.
I told a friend not long ago that I would happily trade the final 20 years of my life in exchange for spending the time between now and then with her. I said it, and I mean it, for what use is 20 years of a meaningless existence?
I recently wrote of marriage vows, and especially the part about "for better, for worse". I won't be a hypocrite. I didn't get where I am today by quitting, and I'm certainly not going to start now. We may be going through the "for worse" part mentioned in my vows, but I wont' give up so long as there is breath in my lungs and fire in my heart.
Friday Visit
I mentioned in another post that I was afraid of seeing my wife on Friday. It turns out that she was very nice to me in our interactions all day Friday, and the visit went much better than I expected it would.
I didn't cry, I didn't get upset, and I was proud of myself for being so strong - so optimistic - so in control of myself. What I did do was go home from work and spend several hours boxing up stuff for her.
When she arrived, it was a bit awkward at first. Do I hug her? How do I act? What do I say?
She looked spectacular. I mean that. She literally took my breath away. We've both lost a substantial amount of weight, and this was the first time I'd seen her in about two weeks. She was also wearing some new hoop earrings that are a different style than I'd grown used to seeing her wear. My heart skipped a few beats, and I felt myself growing as nervous as a teenager asking a girl to the prom.
Finally she broke the ice by asking me how I had been and giving me a hug. We went upstairs to survey the odds and ends I had picked out for her, and to see if there was anything I might be missing.
Then something very interesting happened. I found myself genuinely enjoying the time with this person. It was someone new, yet with elements of someone familiar. We joked and we laughed together, and at one point I even found myself tickling her. I don't know how she feels, but I might even say we flirted a bit. One thing is certain, though. Seeing her beautiful smile had a profound impact on me.
At one point, we ended up kissing. I have replayed that in my mind dozens of times, and I continue to do so. For that brief time, I felt complete. I knew it had to end, but those precious few moments will live in my memory for eternity.
Then, after everything was packed up and it was time for her to leave, she got into the truck (actually, it's a Durango), and it became clear that we were going to kiss again, so I paused and asked her if it was for me, or for her. (Based on the previous visit, I was afraid it was something she was indifferent to, but was doing because she knew I wanted it.) She told me it was for both of us, and my heart melted.
She called me when she got home to let me know she made it okay. Then, I slept as sound as a hibernating bear for the first time in a while.
I didn't cry, I didn't get upset, and I was proud of myself for being so strong - so optimistic - so in control of myself. What I did do was go home from work and spend several hours boxing up stuff for her.
When she arrived, it was a bit awkward at first. Do I hug her? How do I act? What do I say?
She looked spectacular. I mean that. She literally took my breath away. We've both lost a substantial amount of weight, and this was the first time I'd seen her in about two weeks. She was also wearing some new hoop earrings that are a different style than I'd grown used to seeing her wear. My heart skipped a few beats, and I felt myself growing as nervous as a teenager asking a girl to the prom.
Finally she broke the ice by asking me how I had been and giving me a hug. We went upstairs to survey the odds and ends I had picked out for her, and to see if there was anything I might be missing.
Then something very interesting happened. I found myself genuinely enjoying the time with this person. It was someone new, yet with elements of someone familiar. We joked and we laughed together, and at one point I even found myself tickling her. I don't know how she feels, but I might even say we flirted a bit. One thing is certain, though. Seeing her beautiful smile had a profound impact on me.
At one point, we ended up kissing. I have replayed that in my mind dozens of times, and I continue to do so. For that brief time, I felt complete. I knew it had to end, but those precious few moments will live in my memory for eternity.
Then, after everything was packed up and it was time for her to leave, she got into the truck (actually, it's a Durango), and it became clear that we were going to kiss again, so I paused and asked her if it was for me, or for her. (Based on the previous visit, I was afraid it was something she was indifferent to, but was doing because she knew I wanted it.) She told me it was for both of us, and my heart melted.
She called me when she got home to let me know she made it okay. Then, I slept as sound as a hibernating bear for the first time in a while.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Dentist Visit
As I mentioned, I went to the dentist yesterday for a cleaning. It was a mixed experience - part painful, part encouraging.
First, I ended up having to wait for a little bit before my appointment. As I was sitting there captive, listening to the music they pipe in, I got thrown a curve ball. The song Don't Know Why by Nora Jones started playing. This song is significant because my wife sang it at Karaoke on a cruise we took, so it always makes me think of her, and it reminds me of her beautiful voice and how pretty she looked that night.
I damned near started crying right there in the waiting room. I desperately wanted to get out of there, but I couldn't. I was trapped, and it was downright miserable. I swallowed the lump in my throat, choked back the tears, and tried to think about other things until the song was over.
Finally my turn came and I was able to escape purgatory. My hygienist came out, greeted me with her usual stunning smile, and invited me back.
Now, in the spirit of disclosure, I should say that I've had a "thing" for my hygienist for about the last 2 years. That may sound juicy, but it's fairly innocuous. She's happily married, as I was I, and it's something that both my wife and daughter teased me about - an open secret, as it were. Some people are just naturally sexy (it's something about the way they carry themselves). She is one of them.
During the course of our conversation, she asked me when my wife would be in. I had to explain that I didn't know, and then a little bit about why. She was absolutely shocked. Her words were "I can't believe that! She was just in here a while ago and she was telling me how wonderful you are!" I should start a club for people who are baffled by this. The membership would be huge.
During the course of the cleaning, at one pause, I tell her to make sure to give me a pretty smile because I'm going to need it now. Much to my surprise, she responds by saying that I already have a great smile, and there's nothing she needs to do. It made my day. :-)
First, I ended up having to wait for a little bit before my appointment. As I was sitting there captive, listening to the music they pipe in, I got thrown a curve ball. The song Don't Know Why by Nora Jones started playing. This song is significant because my wife sang it at Karaoke on a cruise we took, so it always makes me think of her, and it reminds me of her beautiful voice and how pretty she looked that night.
I damned near started crying right there in the waiting room. I desperately wanted to get out of there, but I couldn't. I was trapped, and it was downright miserable. I swallowed the lump in my throat, choked back the tears, and tried to think about other things until the song was over.
Finally my turn came and I was able to escape purgatory. My hygienist came out, greeted me with her usual stunning smile, and invited me back.
Now, in the spirit of disclosure, I should say that I've had a "thing" for my hygienist for about the last 2 years. That may sound juicy, but it's fairly innocuous. She's happily married, as I was I, and it's something that both my wife and daughter teased me about - an open secret, as it were. Some people are just naturally sexy (it's something about the way they carry themselves). She is one of them.
During the course of our conversation, she asked me when my wife would be in. I had to explain that I didn't know, and then a little bit about why. She was absolutely shocked. Her words were "I can't believe that! She was just in here a while ago and she was telling me how wonderful you are!" I should start a club for people who are baffled by this. The membership would be huge.
During the course of the cleaning, at one pause, I tell her to make sure to give me a pretty smile because I'm going to need it now. Much to my surprise, she responds by saying that I already have a great smile, and there's nothing she needs to do. It made my day. :-)
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Father to a Daughter
My daughter and I have a great relationship. I'd even go so far as to say she feels comfortable talking to me about almost anything (how many dads out there were the first to know when their daughters entered puberty?) Through this experience, she has become fiercely loyal to her daddy. Sure, she was my girl before, but with this shared experience, we seem to have an even stronger bond.
For the record, I also have a very close relationship with my son. That said, the purpose of this post is to talk about what's going on with my daughter. I'll discuss my son in another post.
Today my little girl (I guess 15 still counts as a "little girl" to a father) had final exams, so she was out of school at 9:30. She took public transportation home, and called me when she was on her way. When I talked to her, she said she was really close to the grocery store, and asked if I would like her to stop and pick up some of the turkey sandwiches we both like so much. That way we could share them for lunch. She even paid with her own money! Lunch with a daughter may seem like a small thing, but it's something that I really treasure.
As I've said, I have a great relationship with my daughter, and I support her in a fair amount of activities (e.g. ice skating). Still, as a single dad, I think it's important for her to have a positive female role model as much as possible. So when she asked me to take her shopping for some clothes, I decided that was an opportunity for her to have a little womanly mentoring. Thus I asked a very special friend if she would mind taking my daughter on a little field trip.
In the spirit of anonymity, I cannot disclose the identity of this individual (she's happily married, so don't go getting any ideas). I will say that I really appreciate her support, though. She and her husband have really been there for me through this. So yesterday she and my daughter took their little field trip, and I think it was a very positive experience for both of them.
I'm realizing that although there are some things that I cannot do by myself, that doesn't mean I will falter or fail. At the end of the day, I'm a person who gets things done. Sure, sometimes I have to be a little creative, but the results are what matter.
For the record, I also have a very close relationship with my son. That said, the purpose of this post is to talk about what's going on with my daughter. I'll discuss my son in another post.
Today my little girl (I guess 15 still counts as a "little girl" to a father) had final exams, so she was out of school at 9:30. She took public transportation home, and called me when she was on her way. When I talked to her, she said she was really close to the grocery store, and asked if I would like her to stop and pick up some of the turkey sandwiches we both like so much. That way we could share them for lunch. She even paid with her own money! Lunch with a daughter may seem like a small thing, but it's something that I really treasure.
As I've said, I have a great relationship with my daughter, and I support her in a fair amount of activities (e.g. ice skating). Still, as a single dad, I think it's important for her to have a positive female role model as much as possible. So when she asked me to take her shopping for some clothes, I decided that was an opportunity for her to have a little womanly mentoring. Thus I asked a very special friend if she would mind taking my daughter on a little field trip.
In the spirit of anonymity, I cannot disclose the identity of this individual (she's happily married, so don't go getting any ideas). I will say that I really appreciate her support, though. She and her husband have really been there for me through this. So yesterday she and my daughter took their little field trip, and I think it was a very positive experience for both of them.
I'm realizing that although there are some things that I cannot do by myself, that doesn't mean I will falter or fail. At the end of the day, I'm a person who gets things done. Sure, sometimes I have to be a little creative, but the results are what matter.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
One Foot in Front of the Other
Well, the weekend is officially over. It was a little strange, frankly. At least I can check it off my list. Now I just need to focus on getting through New Years...
Today is my daughter's 15th birthday. My wife is supposed to be coming over tonight to wish her a happy birthday and share some cake. With a little luck, she may also decide to stay for dinner. My daughter asked me to make Chicken Parmesan for her birthday, and while it's a lot of work, I think I do a pretty good job of it.
Since the kids are out of school all week, I'm going home to for lunch to see them. Generally, I find that I need to get away from the office a little each day, and seeing my kids is a great bonus.
As I mentioned before, my wife and I went to the movies on Saturday afternoon. It felt really awkward for both of us, and she left without having dinner. Maybe it's still too soon for things like that.
The next day was Christmas Eve, and initially, she really didn't feel like coming over (or doing anything, for that matter). I vented a bit on her (perhaps unfair, but even terse communication is communication), and ultimately told her that maybe it would be best if she didn't come. For some reason, after that she decided to come and spend the night.
While wrapping Christmas presents for the kids, I explained to her that I was going to forget everything for one night and just enjoy her company and be happy. I explained that I'd like to just pretend things were normal, and in return, the next day we could sit down, finish our business (splitting the finances, etc.) , and go on.
Even though I knew I'd have to deal with it later, I just wanted a small break from the torment. I wanted to have my wife back for a night -- even if only temporary. I wanted us to be a family again for Christmas. In many regards, I approached it like the end of the movie Artificial Intelligence: AI. Even though I knew it would only be one night, I needed it so badly I was willing to accept the implications.
As we wrapped presents, I jokingly told my wife that there were two things I wanted for Christmas that we couldn't put under the tree: I wanted her to help me with a quest in an online game we both play, and then take me to bed. "I think that can be accommodated", she told me with a grin. And she did.
Christmas morning we got up with the kids and did our unwrapping. I think this was the first time we didn't open a single gift on Christmas Eve. The kids seemed happy with what they got, which I think pleased both my wife and me.
Later in the day we sat down for the unpleasant task of dividing our debts. Admittedly, I cried a little, and she showed me a softness and understanding that I haven't seen from her in a while. I tried to steel myself against the upset, and we continued.
In October, we moved into a somewhat expensive place ($2,450 a month) so my daughter could go to a very good school. My son's school is right next door, and is equally impressive.
Let me tell you what kind of person my wife is. After we equitably divided debts, it began to look as though I were going to have a pretty tough time. She juggled some numbers around, and then insisted that she pay $500 a month of the rent so the kids wouldn't have to change schools or be disrupted.
I'm really torn by that. On one hand, my machismo is killing me because I have an ingrained sense of chivalry. True, I don't get any child support for the kids, but that's not my wife's fault (they're from a previous marriage). Still, I feel like I should be the one being the hero to the rescue - not the other way around. Then I realize that perhaps that is one of the problems that caused this outcome to begin with, and I commit myself to not let pride interfere. This is something she wants to do, and I'm going to let her. In either case, I appreciate the help, but even more, what it represents.
I'm still holding on to hope. Hope is one of the things that makes us human. Hope motivates us to strive for greatness, and sees us through the struggles in life. Hope can also be maddening. I'm coming to realize that hope fits naturally with love and passion - that in order for something to be wonderful, it also has to have a dark side.
Thank you for reading this. I promise that if you keep reading, I'll keep writing. Together we'll make this journey, and one day, maybe someone else will be able to use the map we create.
Today is my daughter's 15th birthday. My wife is supposed to be coming over tonight to wish her a happy birthday and share some cake. With a little luck, she may also decide to stay for dinner. My daughter asked me to make Chicken Parmesan for her birthday, and while it's a lot of work, I think I do a pretty good job of it.
Since the kids are out of school all week, I'm going home to for lunch to see them. Generally, I find that I need to get away from the office a little each day, and seeing my kids is a great bonus.
As I mentioned before, my wife and I went to the movies on Saturday afternoon. It felt really awkward for both of us, and she left without having dinner. Maybe it's still too soon for things like that.
The next day was Christmas Eve, and initially, she really didn't feel like coming over (or doing anything, for that matter). I vented a bit on her (perhaps unfair, but even terse communication is communication), and ultimately told her that maybe it would be best if she didn't come. For some reason, after that she decided to come and spend the night.
While wrapping Christmas presents for the kids, I explained to her that I was going to forget everything for one night and just enjoy her company and be happy. I explained that I'd like to just pretend things were normal, and in return, the next day we could sit down, finish our business (splitting the finances, etc.) , and go on.
Even though I knew I'd have to deal with it later, I just wanted a small break from the torment. I wanted to have my wife back for a night -- even if only temporary. I wanted us to be a family again for Christmas. In many regards, I approached it like the end of the movie Artificial Intelligence: AI. Even though I knew it would only be one night, I needed it so badly I was willing to accept the implications.
As we wrapped presents, I jokingly told my wife that there were two things I wanted for Christmas that we couldn't put under the tree: I wanted her to help me with a quest in an online game we both play, and then take me to bed. "I think that can be accommodated", she told me with a grin. And she did.
Christmas morning we got up with the kids and did our unwrapping. I think this was the first time we didn't open a single gift on Christmas Eve. The kids seemed happy with what they got, which I think pleased both my wife and me.
Later in the day we sat down for the unpleasant task of dividing our debts. Admittedly, I cried a little, and she showed me a softness and understanding that I haven't seen from her in a while. I tried to steel myself against the upset, and we continued.
In October, we moved into a somewhat expensive place ($2,450 a month) so my daughter could go to a very good school. My son's school is right next door, and is equally impressive.
Let me tell you what kind of person my wife is. After we equitably divided debts, it began to look as though I were going to have a pretty tough time. She juggled some numbers around, and then insisted that she pay $500 a month of the rent so the kids wouldn't have to change schools or be disrupted.
I'm really torn by that. On one hand, my machismo is killing me because I have an ingrained sense of chivalry. True, I don't get any child support for the kids, but that's not my wife's fault (they're from a previous marriage). Still, I feel like I should be the one being the hero to the rescue - not the other way around. Then I realize that perhaps that is one of the problems that caused this outcome to begin with, and I commit myself to not let pride interfere. This is something she wants to do, and I'm going to let her. In either case, I appreciate the help, but even more, what it represents.
I'm still holding on to hope. Hope is one of the things that makes us human. Hope motivates us to strive for greatness, and sees us through the struggles in life. Hope can also be maddening. I'm coming to realize that hope fits naturally with love and passion - that in order for something to be wonderful, it also has to have a dark side.
Thank you for reading this. I promise that if you keep reading, I'll keep writing. Together we'll make this journey, and one day, maybe someone else will be able to use the map we create.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Hope
"Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."
- The character Red in The Shawshank Redemption
I had a better night last night. My wife came over to help get my son ready for a choral concert, and then we attended the concert as a family. Things almost felt normal for a while, and it was a welcome respite from the suffering. Even temporary relief is relief.
I did make one slip up: I showed her this blog. I knew it was a risk, but I decided to take it. She felt like it was an attempt on my part to make her feel guilty. Actually, she was part right. It was an attempt on my part to influence her feelings, but guilt wasn't a factor in what I had in mind. I guess I keep hoping for one of those great movie moments where the wife has the dawning realization that her husband loves her, and she loves him. Guess what, movie buffs-- things don't work that way in real life (or so I'm finding out).
After my faux pas, and based on what she perceived as an unfavorable reception from the kids, she was inclined to leave before the concert. I convinced her to go along, and agreed that she wouldn't have to stay for dinner after if she were uncomfortable. As it turns out, she opted to stay (even if briefly).
We talked a little, and I was reminded of the friendship aspect of our relationship. The simple truth is that I really do enjoy her company. She has a great sense of humor, and we have literally hundreds of inside jokes that nobody else would understand.
Which brings me back to hope. She agreed to go to some counseling with me after things calm down a bit. We also tentatively have a date to go to the movies this weekend, and we're playing it by ear to see how it goes for Christmas.
Hope keeps me going, but it also scares the hell out of me because I'm afraid it will cloud my judgement. Will I be able to see a problem, or will I be a damn fool and ignore the truth merely because it's not what I hope will happen? Is it reasonable of me to hope I can win her back, or is she merely being nice to me out of respect because she's a good person?
She is a good person, but I'm hoping that she's not just being nice. That's not to say I want her to be mean, it's merely a question of me hoping that there is some deeper meaning in how she treats me.
I slept a little better last night. I only woke up shivering and soaked in sweat twice. That may sound like a lot, but it was a vast improvement from the night before. Also, although I woke about every hour or two, I still got more sleep. Things always seem better with a hot meal and a night's sleep.
I hope the rest of the day goes as well. Her and I are supposed to goChristmas shopping for the kids tonight.
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