Pendulum

An observer would note that the pendulum has now swung back the other way. I expect some who read this might find all of the back and forth maddening, but the point is to document my journey, so I have to write about where it takes me.

I'm struggling with depression, and I can't decide which is worse: the feeling that things will never get better, or the sense of apathy that seems to be taking hold. I've started having thoughts and feelings that are too deeply frightening and personal for even me to write about, but it seems to boil down to this: I'm tired, and I'm losing my will to fight. I feel like I'm flirting with insanity... or worse.

Some people don't understand why I would write about my most deeply personal feelings and experience. Some would even think I'm weak for showing such emotion, but that's fine. At the end of the day, we each have to cope with situations in a manner most effective for us.

I have a 9-day cruise booked for March. It's already paid for. My parents are going, and my wife and I had an adjoining room. While I enjoy spending time with my parents, I really don't want to cruise alone. Furthermore, since I've only cruised with my wife, I fear that being by myself would only serve as a reminder of what is gone.

To that end, I've made it no secret that I still want her to go -- even if only as friends. She has been "thinking about it". Last night, when I spoke with her very briefly, she said she didn't think she wanted to go. My heart sank. I wish there were some way I could change her mind.

She seems to be doing quite well. She shared some pictures with me of things she's been doing to her apartment, and I was floored. She's exercising a level of creativity that amazes me. (I asked her if I could post a link, and she said she would prefer that I didn't, so you'll just have to trust my description.) I was also torn about how I feel.

On one hand, here is this amazing woman who is creative, smart, and talented. Boy do I want to know her better! On the other hand, I feel a bit cheated. Why didn't she show me that side of her when we were together? Did she think I would shun her work?

I also feel a little sad about it. She is clearly having an easier time with this than I am. It reminds me of the chorus to She's Gonna Make It:

She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of that mountain
She's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will

Last night my son had a meltdown. This happens from time to time, but this episode was especially venomous. Generally, I just try to give him space until he calms down, but at one point, he said "I know I'm part of the reason [my wife] left." I stopped what I was doing and said, "That's not true. Come here and let's talk about it, son."

He fired back, "Oh, so you'll talk about that but not other stuff?" I told him that was low, and I didn't want to be manipulated. Then he said, "You wanna know why [my wife's name] left? Because you're a lazy bum!"

Although I know they were merely the words of a child said in a moment of anger, I could not prevent being wounded by them. That nagging doubt in the back of my mind began asking whether or not maybe he observed something I had missed.

When I crawled into bed (which, this week happens to be the couch downstairs because I have company), I was really looking forward to sleep. Yes, I was tired - not just physically, but mentally, and emotionally - more than that, though, I wanted the escape offered by a deep slumber.

My wife has maintained that anytime I need to talk, if I'm having a rough night, I can call her. I decided to cash in that blue chip, and I called. We chatted very briefly, but then she complained of a sore throat and said she didn't want to talk anymore. I burrowed into my pile of blankets, and began my search for sleep. When it finally came, it was deep and restful, punctuated with dreams about the upcoming cruise.

When I got up this morning, I had another nasty surprise. As I have mentioned, I'm embroiled in custody litigation with my first wife. I could write page after page of the details, but the crux of it comes down to this: I already have primary physical custody of my son, my daughter has lived with me for two years, I want to memorialize the current situation with the court to make the legal documentation more accurately reflective of the current situation.

After some wrangling between attorneys (and her attorney telling her that her case was unwinnable), I ultimately extended a settlement offer to her that involved each of us paying our own legal fees, her not having to pay child support, and her getting extremely liberal visitation with the kids. She agreed that it was "fair" (a very subjective term), and I had my attorney draft the paperwork.

Although she's had the settlement paperwork for a month, and she's even signed and notarized it, she has yet to deliver it to my attorney to be filed. Recently, she's started dodging my phone calls, so when I finally was able to speak to her Saturday, I explained that this had gone on long enough, and that if she didn't have the papers to my attorney by 5PM Monday, I would be forced to rescind the settlement offer and simply allow the judge to decide what is and is not fair.

Sunday night around midnight, she called my daughter and told her to tell me to speak with her before I talked to my attorney. I've spent the last 2 days trying to call her, but she's still dodging.

What greeted me this morning was a note my daughter left for me when she went to school. It read:

Daddy,

Can you please stop the legal fighting with my mom? Yesterday, she called me to say that she was going to turn in the papers today, but she never wants to talk to me ever again because I'm not her daughter anymore. I don't know what to do. I know you've spent a lot of money on this, but everything is completely out of my control. Help Me.

- [her name]

In a word: despicable. I'd love to call her mother and explain how inappropriate and damaging that was, but she still won't take my calls. Instead, I'll make a note to talk to my daughter's therapist about it, and try to be as understanding and supportive as I can.

And so my life goes on, one day at a time, one challenge after another. I keep hoping things will get better, but I'm terrified that I may have reached my breaking point. I'm standing on the precipice, and the ground is crumbling beneath my feet.

Reflection

I've lived a rich and full life. Indeed, I think I've lived more at 34 than most people do in their entire life.

• I've been to 47 of the 50 states
• I've been to more than 20 countries outside the US
• I've taken 9 cruises
• I served my country honorably a faithfully as a Paratrooper for almost 7 years, including a combat tour in Iraq
• I successfully made it through both Airborne, and Air Assault school
• I made Sergeant in the Army, and got to experience leading soldiers
• I've lost everything and started over -- numerous times
• I overcame bankruptcy
• I completed both a Bachelors and a Masters Degree
• I made it to the top of my profession
• I've worked in New York City, or more specifically Manhattan
• I've owned (and still own) my dream car (A BMW 325i)
• I've known friendship that transcends time and distance
• I've experienced the love and adoration from a child that only a parent can know
• I know what it's like to fall from the sky, and dive to the depths of the ocean
• I've rapelled from buildings, walls, towers, and hovering helicopters
• I've piloted an airplane
• I've been the Jumpmaster and had people entrust me with their life on an actually military jump
• I accidentally walked through a minefield, and lived to tell about it
• I've witnessed the miracle of childbirth, and experienced the anguish of death
• I've seen the attrocities of war, and the resilience of human nature
• I've gone swimming in a crystal clear lake deep under the ground, inside a cave
• I've been skinny dipping at natural hotspring
• I experienced Marti Gras before New Orleans was defined by Katrina
• I've stared death in the face more times than I'd like to count. In a sense, we've become old friends.
• I've been honored and reviled; loved and hated; followed and ignored.
• I've managed to sample most of the spicy seasonings that gives life its variety

In short, I'm almost finished. There are very few things that remain on my checklist. What I have not accomplished is watching my kids to off to college, and writing that book.

Song of the Day

I almost never reproduce song lyrics in their entirety. Today, I'm going to make an exception, so grab your kleenex, read the lyrics, and think about how well this particular song fits.

When You Come Back to Me Again
by Garth Brooks

Theres a ship out, on the ocean
At the mercy of the sea
It's been tossed about, lost and broken
Wandering aimlessly
And God somehow you know that ship is me

'cause theres a lighthouse, in the harbor
Shining faithfully
Pouring its light out, across the water
For this sinking soul to see
That someone out there still believes in me

On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I'm reaching out 'til we reach the circle's end
When you come back to me again

Theres a moment we all come to
In our own time and our own space
Where all that weve done, we can undo
If our heart's in the right place

On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I'm reaching out 'til we reach the circles end
When you come back to me again
And again I see my yesterdays in front of me
Unfolding like a mystery
Youre changing all that is and used to be

On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I'm reaching out til we reach the circles end
When you come back to me again
When you come back to me again

Aftermath

I may have to add this post to my list of regrets later, especially if it solicits an unfavorable reaction from my wife, but it is helpful for me to write.

I've come to the conclusion that I love her, and I am not giving up. I don't care if it's not healthy. I don't care what people think. I will win her back, or more accurately, the new person that I am will win over the new person that she is. I don't care if I spend the rest of my life alone while I do it. I know what I want, and I know what it is worth to me. The sacrifice is insignificant and ultimately unimportant.

I told a friend not long ago that I would happily trade the final 20 years of my life in exchange for spending the time between now and then with her. I said it, and I mean it, for what use is 20 years of a meaningless existence?

I recently wrote of marriage vows, and especially the part about "for better, for worse". I won't be a hypocrite. I didn't get where I am today by quitting, and I'm certainly not going to start now. We may be going through the "for worse" part mentioned in my vows, but I wont' give up so long as there is breath in my lungs and fire in my heart.

Regrets

As I mentioned, I've been doing a lot of reflection. In doing so, I discovered that I have a lot of regrets - both from my marriage, and from the way I have handled this separation.

I am really sorry I asked her if she wanted a divorce. In a sense, I backed her into a corner. I forced an issue that should have been left alone. Like teasing a dog to see if it will bite you, sometimes you're better off leaving things alone and waiting to see what happens.

I'm sorry I took off my wedding ring. Again, I forced her forward in a sense. I could still be wearing it; I am still married, after all. By taking it off, I encouraged her to do the same, and she did. Now I have a permanent groove in my finger, even after 3 weeks, to remind me of how stupid I can be sometimes.

I'm sorry I didn't insist on counseling. Initially, she agreed to schedule some counseling after things had a while to calm down. I realized that she was doing this to make things a little less painful on me, but still, I think it might have been beneficial. Now I'll never know, and I regret it.

I'm sorry I forced the "I love you" issue, because now I'm afraid to say it to her, no matter how strongly I feel it or how often I think it. In fact, I'm terrified. She told me to "cool it", but I don't know if that means to not say it so frequently, or to not say it at all. I haven't been saying it at all because I'm too afraid that she won't reciprocate. I should have been smart enough to see that it made her uncomfortable, and just toned it down without having to be told.

I'm sorry I wasn't more helpful to her during our marriage. I made her feel like second fiddle - like I was somehow more important and my needs came before her own. I made her feel like she was merely an accessory to the person I am, rather than her own person. I didn't make her feel like a partner, and I regret that very much.

I'm sorry I didn't reach out to her before it was too late. I should have realized that she wasn't happy, and I should have been willing to do whatever was necessary to get things back on track.

I tell my kids that you don't learn from the things you do right. That is true, but it's unfortunate that sometimes a "learning experience" has long-term or permanent consequences.

Family Interraction

On the heals of a wonderful visit on Friday, I spoke with my father-in-law on Saturday morning while the kids were in counseling. As I mentioned, it's become a weekly routine.

As always, it was a pleasant conversation. I told him that I had seen his daughter the night before, that things had gone well, and that she looked really good.

He suggested I take her to dinner or something with just the two of us. I told him I would like that when she was ready, and then at one point, he told me that he was confident we were going to get back together. I was really torn between trying to jump on the optimism bandwagon, and feeling bad that perhaps he doesn't know the situation that well. I simply said that I hoped so, and left it at that.

I also spoke to her grandmother. She still hasn't told her what's going on, and it was a bit awkward. I had to do some creative explaining to avoid getting myself boxed into a corner where I might have to lie.

I told her I was just taking the kids to their weekly counseling, and I wanted to see how she was doing (she broke a few ribs a short while ago).

At one point, she asked me where my wife was, and I told her that she was still at home (true) and probably still asleep (also true). This resulted in her grandmother explaining that she could understand why my wife would be tired, what with her career and taking care of kids and a husband. It's a lot of work, after all. I simply agreed, and left it at that.

Going forward, I'm going to give my wife's grandmother distance unless I know that she wants to talk to me. Apart from the awkwardness, I want to make sure not to invade my wife's space too much. I may simply encourage my wife to call when I'm curious, and then get the details from her. In any event, it is her grandmother - not mine.

No More I Love You

Well, another milestone I have dreaded has passed. My wife quit telling me that she loves me, and asked that I "cool it" with telling her. I suppose under the circumstances that is understandable. What bothers me is that she never comes out and directly tells me anything. Instead, I'll have a gut feeling that bothers me so I bring it up. Inevitably, she won't want to talk about it, but ultimately I get the message. The thing about this approach... It hurts. A lot.

About 6:00 last night (already a long day at work) I found out that the stuff I've been working on had to be finished by morning. I knew I had hours and hours of work left, so I went home, made dinner for the kids, and went back to work. I finally finished up and went home around 11PM. By then, I was utterly exhausted and completely spent - both mentally and emotionally. I called my wife on my way home and told her that it was a bad night to meet up, even though she was going to be in the area. For me, this was a moral victory. As badly as I wanted to see her, I did the right thing.

Eventually, I'll have to see her again to exchange the final few belongs that we have for each other. With any luck, I'll be stronger when that time comes. At least, I hope so.

Today is another busy day. For me, it started around 5:30 this morning so I could take my car in to get it serviced. I also have a dentist appointment, and I have to go pick up my car after work, and then stop for milk on the way home. I tried to make waffles for the kids this morning, only to find out after I mixed the dry ingredients that we didn't have enough milk. Single parenting is so much fun! ;-)

Thanks for reading this. I'll continue to put one foot in front of the other, take things day by day, and post my experiences here so you can watch me heal.

Hurting

It's been a long, exhausting day. I worked through lunch hoping to get finished at a reasonable time, but I wasn't quite that lucky.

I'm in a bad way right now. I feel like I'm losing myself as the black water of depression envelops me. I realize that it's only a bad day, and under the circumstance, is to be expected. I tell myself this, and it does no good at all.

A few minutes ago, I got an alert on my cell phone that I needed to delete some text messages or I wouldn't be able to receive any more. Happy for the distraction, I set myself about the busy work of deleting the old messages, when I came accross one that got to me. It was from my wife, at 12:59PM on November 29th (the day before my life fell apart), and it read simply: "I love you. Please be happy." My hand trembled, the words became blurry, and a single tear rolled down my cheek as I put my phone down as careful as a young mother nestles her newborn child. I didn't delete the message. It's the last reminder of how things used to be. If I could, I'd go back and live in that moment forever.

Grocery Shopping

Last night I had to stop at the store on my way home from work. Since it was my son's birthday, I managed to sneak out just a bit early, and I noticed a few interesting things at the grocery store just before 5PM. The thing that struck me the most was that the place was full of women. I was one of only a very few men there. Some were married, some were single, all were on a mission, and quite focused on what they were doing. It was almost creepy.

As long as I had planned on hitting the grocery store on my way home, I offered to do some shopping for my wife. She's been having to run around a lot lately, and I know she probably didn't feel like it (plus she felt a little sick yesterday). Thus, I talked her into giving me a list of things she needed, and carefully made my rounds to retrieve items from her list and my own.

Then, as I was shopping, I had a sad thought. Maybe if I had done a little more shopping a little sooner, things might be different right now. There's nothing like the "what if?" game to drive a man insane.

My son's birthday party went pretty well. My wife came over for cake, as did some family friends. After she went home, it occured to me that last night had been the last "obligatory" visit. (Since the day she left, there has been a littany of things that required her to come over.) This birthday party marked the last. It made me ... well ... sad.

I tried to get to bed early, but I had a rough night punctuated with waking up in a sweat several times, and not being able to get back to sleep. The worst came at about 2AM. I struggled, and forced myself not to call my wife. The urge became nearly overwhelming at least half a dozen times - all I wanted was to hear her voice, and somehow I felt like if I could, I'd be able to rest at last.

Another Poem

I had a very very bad night. Unfortunately, a bad morning usually follows. I'll have an update post coming later in the day with details, but I mentally composed a poem in the shower this morning, and I thought I'd share it.

In self-pity, here I wallow,
'cause inside I'm feeling hollow,
And it seems the only thing I know is pain.

But I carry on my life,
Even though I have no wife,
And I hope that I will learn to love again.

On the outside I seem cheery,
On the inside I feel weary,
And to see me you would never really know,

That when she left she broke my heart,
And sadly now that we're apart,
I can't imagine where my life will likely go.

Losing Momentum

It's funny how much your mood can change throughout a single day. I started out today pretty optimistic. I got up at 4AM, got a little computer time in, and made waffles for my kids for breakfast before they had to go to school. I didn't even mind ironing my clothes. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to lose my optimism. I think there are several reasons.

First, I talked to my wife this morning, and I managed to make her mad. She feels like I'm still invading her space. I wish there were a handbook for things like this -- then I'd know what the rules were so I could just follow them. In any event, after our positive visit yesterday, things seem worse today. (Up, down, up, down, up down...)

Really, it's my own fault. I just can't seem to stop myself from letting that optimism creep in. Granted, there's nothing wrong with optimism in and of itself, but it has a tendency to pull you up, which sometimes means that the drop is that much further when you have to come down again. (Up, down, up, down, up down...)

I just came out of a business meeting, and it looks like I may have to go to Boston for a day or two (more? I hope not) next week. For some reason, that thought makes me lonely, nervous, and tired. That means I'll have to find someone to stay with the kids. (My wife, you say? I suspect that would violate the space rule, but again, I have no handbook.) Also, traveling is a financial burden I could really do without at present time, to say nothing of how exhausting business travel can be. Furthermore, let's face it: Boston isn't exactly a vacation destination in January. (Up, down, up, down, up down...)

I haven't said a peep about what's going on to anyone at work. If they knew, I'm afraid that it would become a convenient excuse anytime anything went wrong. If they don't know it's happening, they can't use it to assign blame. It's not that I don't respect my coworkers. In fact, quite the opposite is true. It's a mere question of human nature. (Up, down, up, down, up down...)

The net result is that I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. Today is my son's birthday, which means it's going to be a rough night in more ways than one. I have to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work. Then, around 7, some friends are coming over, as is my wife. (Up, down, up, down, up down...)

This should be the last obligatory visit now that the holidays are over. Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about that, either. I guess the simple truth is that a part of me is still hanging on. (Up, down, up, down, up down...)

I hope things go well tonight. I'm emotionally exhausted.

Progress Hurts

"Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus."

- Wallace Stegner

My wife just called. She's going to look at an apartment. Although I've been expecting this moment, I now find that I'm not prepared.

I'm a zombie. I walk through the office and smile at the people I pass by, but they don't know that I'm dying inside. I want to go somewhere and cry, but I can't.

I know I have to let her go. I know that if there's any way she'll ever come back, she has to find what she's looking for. For me, it is the all-consuming question, and I'm terrified of the answer. I can't remember when I've ever been this alone or afraid.

I'll see her tonight for my daughter's birthday, and when I do, I'll do my best to put on that same smiling face that greets my new coworkers. Later tonight, when the kids are in bed, and she is gone, I'll listen to some music, reflect, and try to cry it out. Tomorrow is another day.