On the heals of a wonderful visit on Friday, I spoke with my father-in-law on Saturday morning while the kids were in counseling. As I mentioned, it's become a weekly routine.
As always, it was a pleasant conversation. I told him that I had seen his daughter the night before, that things had gone well, and that she looked really good.
He suggested I take her to dinner or something with just the two of us. I told him I would like that when she was ready, and then at one point, he told me that he was confident we were going to get back together. I was really torn between trying to jump on the optimism bandwagon, and feeling bad that perhaps he doesn't know the situation that well. I simply said that I hoped so, and left it at that.
I also spoke to her grandmother. She still hasn't told her what's going on, and it was a bit awkward. I had to do some creative explaining to avoid getting myself boxed into a corner where I might have to lie.
I told her I was just taking the kids to their weekly counseling, and I wanted to see how she was doing (she broke a few ribs a short while ago).
At one point, she asked me where my wife was, and I told her that she was still at home (true) and probably still asleep (also true). This resulted in her grandmother explaining that she could understand why my wife would be tired, what with her career and taking care of kids and a husband. It's a lot of work, after all. I simply agreed, and left it at that.
Going forward, I'm going to give my wife's grandmother distance unless I know that she wants to talk to me. Apart from the awkwardness, I want to make sure not to invade my wife's space too much. I may simply encourage my wife to call when I'm curious, and then get the details from her. In any event, it is her grandmother - not mine.
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Monday, January 22, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
No More I Love You
Well, another milestone I have dreaded has passed. My wife quit telling me that she loves me, and asked that I "cool it" with telling her. I suppose under the circumstances that is understandable. What bothers me is that she never comes out and directly tells me anything. Instead, I'll have a gut feeling that bothers me so I bring it up. Inevitably, she won't want to talk about it, but ultimately I get the message. The thing about this approach... It hurts. A lot.
About 6:00 last night (already a long day at work) I found out that the stuff I've been working on had to be finished by morning. I knew I had hours and hours of work left, so I went home, made dinner for the kids, and went back to work. I finally finished up and went home around 11PM. By then, I was utterly exhausted and completely spent - both mentally and emotionally. I called my wife on my way home and told her that it was a bad night to meet up, even though she was going to be in the area. For me, this was a moral victory. As badly as I wanted to see her, I did the right thing.
Eventually, I'll have to see her again to exchange the final few belongs that we have for each other. With any luck, I'll be stronger when that time comes. At least, I hope so.
Today is another busy day. For me, it started around 5:30 this morning so I could take my car in to get it serviced. I also have a dentist appointment, and I have to go pick up my car after work, and then stop for milk on the way home. I tried to make waffles for the kids this morning, only to find out after I mixed the dry ingredients that we didn't have enough milk. Single parenting is so much fun! ;-)
Thanks for reading this. I'll continue to put one foot in front of the other, take things day by day, and post my experiences here so you can watch me heal.
About 6:00 last night (already a long day at work) I found out that the stuff I've been working on had to be finished by morning. I knew I had hours and hours of work left, so I went home, made dinner for the kids, and went back to work. I finally finished up and went home around 11PM. By then, I was utterly exhausted and completely spent - both mentally and emotionally. I called my wife on my way home and told her that it was a bad night to meet up, even though she was going to be in the area. For me, this was a moral victory. As badly as I wanted to see her, I did the right thing.
Eventually, I'll have to see her again to exchange the final few belongs that we have for each other. With any luck, I'll be stronger when that time comes. At least, I hope so.
Today is another busy day. For me, it started around 5:30 this morning so I could take my car in to get it serviced. I also have a dentist appointment, and I have to go pick up my car after work, and then stop for milk on the way home. I tried to make waffles for the kids this morning, only to find out after I mixed the dry ingredients that we didn't have enough milk. Single parenting is so much fun! ;-)
Thanks for reading this. I'll continue to put one foot in front of the other, take things day by day, and post my experiences here so you can watch me heal.
Monday, January 15, 2007
It's Over
Sometimes it's helpful to take a few days off and let things sit before I write about them. For those of you who have been waiting and wondering, I'm sorry it has taken so long.
On Thursday, my wife read my last blog post, and I guess it gave her the courage to do what she feels she needs to. I asked her if she wanted a divorce, and she told me yes. I explained that I didn't want one, but that I would not hold her in a relationship she didn't want, and she thanked me. After a little discussion, we decided to file in Virginia (where she lives now) because the laws are a lot better than in Maryland. It will take about another 5 months for all to be said and done.
I have not told the kids, although I did discuss it with their therapist. My reasoning is that telling them will not change anything, but it will probably be very upsetting for them. By waiting, they won't have to worry about school because they'll be out for the summer, and they will be much more used to the situation. Their therapist agreed with my approach, so apparently, it is a good one.
I have good days and bad days. I think that much is clear from what I write here. Although I am doing better, sometimes it is extremely difficult. I find myself thinking about her all the time. Everywhere I go, with everything I do, I see her in my mind. I often times find myself reminiscing about happier times, or wondering what she's doing. We've agreed to be friends, and honestly, if that is all I can have I'll take it. Some would think me foolish, but the situation is what it is.
She told me she feels like I write this blog to put on a show, and that I'm painting her as the bad guy. I wish I could make her understand that I am not trying to do that. I told her she was free to leave a comment on the blog, but she expressed concern that the other commenters would attack her. Somehow, she sees my readers as minions who will blindly defend me even when I'm wrong. I don't think that's the case at all, and I would hope that everyone who reads this realizes that there are two sides to every story. This blog only presents one.
When this first happened, I called my in-laws to let them know that as far as I was concerned, this would not change the relationship I have with them. My father-in-law never had a son, so in many ways, I've filled in as a surrogate. I've also taken care of the Website for his business for the past 8 years, and I wanted him to know that he didn't have to worry about it.
The response I got was heartwarming, and comforting. Her parents told me that they loved me, and me not being with their daughter anymore would not change that. They said they still want to see me and the kids, and that I am always welcome in their home. I really appreciate that.
On Saturday, I talked to her parents again. I've started calling every Saturday just to stay in touch now that we don't have that common link anymore. That might strike some as odd, but her folks are good people. They event sent my parents a Christmas card.
She hasn't told her grandmother yet, so although I desperately want to talk to her, I'm not really comfortable doing so. Her grandmother has a reputation for being a little difficult, yet she has come to the conclusion that I can do no wrong. Frankly, I think she's a pretty neat lady, and I worry about her health. I'm not sure when she'll get the news, but I hope she's not angry with me for not telling her. In any event, it's not really my place to say anything.
My wife has not been in contact with my parents since she left. That's unfortunate, because I think she might be surprised. My mom is (obviously) very sympathetic to what I'm going through, and she hurts when I do. She's also very intelligent and worldly. As a logical creature (much like myself), my mom is able to separate her grief from the situation and look at things semi-objectively. Indeed, several times she has told me that her heart also goes out to my wife, and that she understands her position.
It's foolish, perhaps, but I'm still of the opinion that we're not to a point where there is no going back (or forward, as the case may be). Like her father told me Saturday, as long as things are friendly, there is always hope. One never knows what tomorrow might bring.
On Thursday, my wife read my last blog post, and I guess it gave her the courage to do what she feels she needs to. I asked her if she wanted a divorce, and she told me yes. I explained that I didn't want one, but that I would not hold her in a relationship she didn't want, and she thanked me. After a little discussion, we decided to file in Virginia (where she lives now) because the laws are a lot better than in Maryland. It will take about another 5 months for all to be said and done.
I have not told the kids, although I did discuss it with their therapist. My reasoning is that telling them will not change anything, but it will probably be very upsetting for them. By waiting, they won't have to worry about school because they'll be out for the summer, and they will be much more used to the situation. Their therapist agreed with my approach, so apparently, it is a good one.
I have good days and bad days. I think that much is clear from what I write here. Although I am doing better, sometimes it is extremely difficult. I find myself thinking about her all the time. Everywhere I go, with everything I do, I see her in my mind. I often times find myself reminiscing about happier times, or wondering what she's doing. We've agreed to be friends, and honestly, if that is all I can have I'll take it. Some would think me foolish, but the situation is what it is.
She told me she feels like I write this blog to put on a show, and that I'm painting her as the bad guy. I wish I could make her understand that I am not trying to do that. I told her she was free to leave a comment on the blog, but she expressed concern that the other commenters would attack her. Somehow, she sees my readers as minions who will blindly defend me even when I'm wrong. I don't think that's the case at all, and I would hope that everyone who reads this realizes that there are two sides to every story. This blog only presents one.
When this first happened, I called my in-laws to let them know that as far as I was concerned, this would not change the relationship I have with them. My father-in-law never had a son, so in many ways, I've filled in as a surrogate. I've also taken care of the Website for his business for the past 8 years, and I wanted him to know that he didn't have to worry about it.
The response I got was heartwarming, and comforting. Her parents told me that they loved me, and me not being with their daughter anymore would not change that. They said they still want to see me and the kids, and that I am always welcome in their home. I really appreciate that.
On Saturday, I talked to her parents again. I've started calling every Saturday just to stay in touch now that we don't have that common link anymore. That might strike some as odd, but her folks are good people. They event sent my parents a Christmas card.
She hasn't told her grandmother yet, so although I desperately want to talk to her, I'm not really comfortable doing so. Her grandmother has a reputation for being a little difficult, yet she has come to the conclusion that I can do no wrong. Frankly, I think she's a pretty neat lady, and I worry about her health. I'm not sure when she'll get the news, but I hope she's not angry with me for not telling her. In any event, it's not really my place to say anything.
My wife has not been in contact with my parents since she left. That's unfortunate, because I think she might be surprised. My mom is (obviously) very sympathetic to what I'm going through, and she hurts when I do. She's also very intelligent and worldly. As a logical creature (much like myself), my mom is able to separate her grief from the situation and look at things semi-objectively. Indeed, several times she has told me that her heart also goes out to my wife, and that she understands her position.
It's foolish, perhaps, but I'm still of the opinion that we're not to a point where there is no going back (or forward, as the case may be). Like her father told me Saturday, as long as things are friendly, there is always hope. One never knows what tomorrow might bring.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Acceptance
My daughter is waiting for me to go grocery shopping (we made a list of our meals and what we need to buy), so unfortunately, I don't have time to write a very detailed post right now. But, I realize that many people watch this blog and are concerned for me. That being the case, I'll offer a quick update and fill in the details later.
A very interesting thing happened the other night. I had a very painful conversation with my wife. It wasn't easy, and at one point she actually used the words "it's over". I resolved myself to accept the situation as it is, and live my life based on that. Right now, she is gone. Period. She isn't coming back, and I cannot sit out on the porch gazing over the horizon waiting to see her silhouette come walking down the road.
It's possible that she may find what she's looking for, and decide to come back. It's also possible that some rich relative I've never met will leave me a large inheritance, but I cannot make my decisions based upon either possibility. Time waits for no man, and I have to go on. If she has a change of heart in the future, the burden will be on her to win me back - not the other way around.
After I made the decision, I cried. When I finished, I accepted reality. That night, I slept the whole night through without waking up shivering in a puddle of sweat for the first time in a month. Sure, I have down moments during the day, but I'm trying to focus on the positive, and I managed to make it through the whole night again last night.
I've dropped about 17 pounds, and I've started to work out again. I'm feeling better both physically, and emotionally. It's not too surprising given that studies have shown exercise to help reduce stress. Admittedly, she looks great too. That's not so easy for me to accept, but again, it's reality.
I really appreciate the outpouring of support I've gotten. Thank you for continuing to watch me heal.
A very interesting thing happened the other night. I had a very painful conversation with my wife. It wasn't easy, and at one point she actually used the words "it's over". I resolved myself to accept the situation as it is, and live my life based on that. Right now, she is gone. Period. She isn't coming back, and I cannot sit out on the porch gazing over the horizon waiting to see her silhouette come walking down the road.
It's possible that she may find what she's looking for, and decide to come back. It's also possible that some rich relative I've never met will leave me a large inheritance, but I cannot make my decisions based upon either possibility. Time waits for no man, and I have to go on. If she has a change of heart in the future, the burden will be on her to win me back - not the other way around.
After I made the decision, I cried. When I finished, I accepted reality. That night, I slept the whole night through without waking up shivering in a puddle of sweat for the first time in a month. Sure, I have down moments during the day, but I'm trying to focus on the positive, and I managed to make it through the whole night again last night.
I've dropped about 17 pounds, and I've started to work out again. I'm feeling better both physically, and emotionally. It's not too surprising given that studies have shown exercise to help reduce stress. Admittedly, she looks great too. That's not so easy for me to accept, but again, it's reality.
I really appreciate the outpouring of support I've gotten. Thank you for continuing to watch me heal.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Control
I've had an epiphany. I don't have any control over this situation, and I find that thought ... liberating. Let me elaborate.
This morning, a good friend of mine observed: "I think a lot of your trepidation with her leaving has more to do with your own feelings on your ability to be in control of your life." While I don't know that I necessarily agree 100% with that statement, it does have elements of truth. Part of this may indeed be a control thing for me. But, it's a funny thing about control, sometimes not being in control can be a good thing too.
When I was promoted to Sergeant in the Army, one of the first things I said was "You know, there's a lot to be said for being a Private." My reasoning was that as a Private, you really don't have any problems. If a problem comes up, you tell your Sergeant and now it's his problem. As a Sergeant, however, not only do you have to deal with all your own problems, you also have to take care of your subordinates and look out for their well-being.
In this situation, I don't have any control. That also means I cannot be held accountable -- especially to myself. I have done everything I can, and I can do no more. It's time to focus on things I can control.
This morning, a good friend of mine observed: "I think a lot of your trepidation with her leaving has more to do with your own feelings on your ability to be in control of your life." While I don't know that I necessarily agree 100% with that statement, it does have elements of truth. Part of this may indeed be a control thing for me. But, it's a funny thing about control, sometimes not being in control can be a good thing too.
When I was promoted to Sergeant in the Army, one of the first things I said was "You know, there's a lot to be said for being a Private." My reasoning was that as a Private, you really don't have any problems. If a problem comes up, you tell your Sergeant and now it's his problem. As a Sergeant, however, not only do you have to deal with all your own problems, you also have to take care of your subordinates and look out for their well-being.
In this situation, I don't have any control. That also means I cannot be held accountable -- especially to myself. I have done everything I can, and I can do no more. It's time to focus on things I can control.
Looking Up
For some reason, I feel a lot better today. I'm realizing that this isn't the end. It's not even the beginning of the end. It's merely the end of the beginning.
I still love my wife, and I still want her back. No matter what happens, I always will. Still, it's nice to not feel so black.
Ironically, while I'm feeling better emotionally, I'm feeling worse physically. I'm one of those people who very rarely gets sick, and when I do, my immune system knocks it out quickly. Unfortunately, stress takes its toll even on me. I'm achy and I have a scratchy nasal passage and throat. Also, my knee is killing me today (7 years as a Paratrooper also takes a toll). But I know the knee will feel better in a day or so, and I'll probably just end up with a mild cold.
Perhaps one reason for my optimism is because things went well for my daughter's birthday last night. I picked up an ice cream cake for her (as requested), and cooked her favorite meal. The meal turned out great, she loved the cake, and she was ecstatic with the birthday presents (jewelry).
My kids have been my island of sanity through this. We seem to share each other's pain. I grieve when they do, and they hurt for me as much as themselves. I think seeing them a bit more happy perks me up, and I hope my new found optimism will have the same effect on them.
Another thing that has really helped me through this is my parents. I call them 5 or 6 times a day, and they are always willing to listen. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I complain, sometimes I rejoice. Regardless of the reason, they're always willing to share it with me and to offer some kind words and hope. I love you, mom & dad.
Although this is anonymous so I can't really give the credit deserved, it's worth mentioning that I also have a few close friends who have really stepped forward. You know who you are. All I can say is thank you for telling me when the sun is shining.
Finally, I think writing helps. I've always been an emotional creature. Unlike a lot of men, I prefer to talk about my feelings. I'm generally the one who wants to talk things out. Also, I like show tunes and theater - but don't tell anyone. ;-)
I still love my wife, and I still want her back. No matter what happens, I always will. Still, it's nice to not feel so black.
Ironically, while I'm feeling better emotionally, I'm feeling worse physically. I'm one of those people who very rarely gets sick, and when I do, my immune system knocks it out quickly. Unfortunately, stress takes its toll even on me. I'm achy and I have a scratchy nasal passage and throat. Also, my knee is killing me today (7 years as a Paratrooper also takes a toll). But I know the knee will feel better in a day or so, and I'll probably just end up with a mild cold.
Perhaps one reason for my optimism is because things went well for my daughter's birthday last night. I picked up an ice cream cake for her (as requested), and cooked her favorite meal. The meal turned out great, she loved the cake, and she was ecstatic with the birthday presents (jewelry).
My kids have been my island of sanity through this. We seem to share each other's pain. I grieve when they do, and they hurt for me as much as themselves. I think seeing them a bit more happy perks me up, and I hope my new found optimism will have the same effect on them.
Another thing that has really helped me through this is my parents. I call them 5 or 6 times a day, and they are always willing to listen. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I complain, sometimes I rejoice. Regardless of the reason, they're always willing to share it with me and to offer some kind words and hope. I love you, mom & dad.
Although this is anonymous so I can't really give the credit deserved, it's worth mentioning that I also have a few close friends who have really stepped forward. You know who you are. All I can say is thank you for telling me when the sun is shining.
Finally, I think writing helps. I've always been an emotional creature. Unlike a lot of men, I prefer to talk about my feelings. I'm generally the one who wants to talk things out. Also, I like show tunes and theater - but don't tell anyone. ;-)
Friday, December 22, 2006
She's Gone
She's gone. I have to come to terms with it. I must accept it. I have to extinguish my silly childish dreams that any moment she'll change her mind.
I talked to her candidly this morning, and I told her that I felt like she wanted me to wait while she went off and did her own thing, and if she didn't like it she'd be back, but if she did, well, it was fun while it lasted. She confessed that in a way, that was exactly what she was asking. Then we began discussions on how to separate our finances.
Honestly, I think not knowing is worse than anything else. At least if I know it's over, I can begin the healing process.
When I was a kid, we had a mangy old black tom cat who would go out, roam around, get in trouble and come home all torn up. He was a mass of scars, yet he never seemed to give up his perpetual fight. I remember one time my mom had to doctor him with peroxide, and it bleached his fur. He looked ridiculous, but still carried himself with a a level of arrogance known only to cats. Now it's time for me to put peroxide on my wounds. My ears are torn, I'm in pain, and I'm tired from years of the same, but I must continue the fight.
They say if you love something you should let it go. There is no question in my mind that I love her. Amazingly, after 8 years, my heart still skips a beat when I see her. But when you love someone, you have to do the right thing. So now I let her go. I sincerely hope she finds what she's looking for - she deserves to be happy.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what my life will be in 3 months, or 6 months, or a year. Maybe she'll go out and realize that the grass isn't really as green as it looks from here. Conversely, it's equally possible she'll discover that she's happier on her own.
In either event, I know you can never go back. If she changes her mind, and if I feel the same, we can go forward together perhaps, but nobody can ever go back. No matter what happens, though, she is my friend, and I love her. Goodbye, by wife.
I talked to her candidly this morning, and I told her that I felt like she wanted me to wait while she went off and did her own thing, and if she didn't like it she'd be back, but if she did, well, it was fun while it lasted. She confessed that in a way, that was exactly what she was asking. Then we began discussions on how to separate our finances.
Honestly, I think not knowing is worse than anything else. At least if I know it's over, I can begin the healing process.
When I was a kid, we had a mangy old black tom cat who would go out, roam around, get in trouble and come home all torn up. He was a mass of scars, yet he never seemed to give up his perpetual fight. I remember one time my mom had to doctor him with peroxide, and it bleached his fur. He looked ridiculous, but still carried himself with a a level of arrogance known only to cats. Now it's time for me to put peroxide on my wounds. My ears are torn, I'm in pain, and I'm tired from years of the same, but I must continue the fight.
They say if you love something you should let it go. There is no question in my mind that I love her. Amazingly, after 8 years, my heart still skips a beat when I see her. But when you love someone, you have to do the right thing. So now I let her go. I sincerely hope she finds what she's looking for - she deserves to be happy.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what my life will be in 3 months, or 6 months, or a year. Maybe she'll go out and realize that the grass isn't really as green as it looks from here. Conversely, it's equally possible she'll discover that she's happier on her own.
In either event, I know you can never go back. If she changes her mind, and if I feel the same, we can go forward together perhaps, but nobody can ever go back. No matter what happens, though, she is my friend, and I love her. Goodbye, by wife.
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