Pendulum

An observer would note that the pendulum has now swung back the other way. I expect some who read this might find all of the back and forth maddening, but the point is to document my journey, so I have to write about where it takes me.

I'm struggling with depression, and I can't decide which is worse: the feeling that things will never get better, or the sense of apathy that seems to be taking hold. I've started having thoughts and feelings that are too deeply frightening and personal for even me to write about, but it seems to boil down to this: I'm tired, and I'm losing my will to fight. I feel like I'm flirting with insanity... or worse.

Some people don't understand why I would write about my most deeply personal feelings and experience. Some would even think I'm weak for showing such emotion, but that's fine. At the end of the day, we each have to cope with situations in a manner most effective for us.

I have a 9-day cruise booked for March. It's already paid for. My parents are going, and my wife and I had an adjoining room. While I enjoy spending time with my parents, I really don't want to cruise alone. Furthermore, since I've only cruised with my wife, I fear that being by myself would only serve as a reminder of what is gone.

To that end, I've made it no secret that I still want her to go -- even if only as friends. She has been "thinking about it". Last night, when I spoke with her very briefly, she said she didn't think she wanted to go. My heart sank. I wish there were some way I could change her mind.

She seems to be doing quite well. She shared some pictures with me of things she's been doing to her apartment, and I was floored. She's exercising a level of creativity that amazes me. (I asked her if I could post a link, and she said she would prefer that I didn't, so you'll just have to trust my description.) I was also torn about how I feel.

On one hand, here is this amazing woman who is creative, smart, and talented. Boy do I want to know her better! On the other hand, I feel a bit cheated. Why didn't she show me that side of her when we were together? Did she think I would shun her work?

I also feel a little sad about it. She is clearly having an easier time with this than I am. It reminds me of the chorus to She's Gonna Make It:

She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of that mountain
She's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will

Last night my son had a meltdown. This happens from time to time, but this episode was especially venomous. Generally, I just try to give him space until he calms down, but at one point, he said "I know I'm part of the reason [my wife] left." I stopped what I was doing and said, "That's not true. Come here and let's talk about it, son."

He fired back, "Oh, so you'll talk about that but not other stuff?" I told him that was low, and I didn't want to be manipulated. Then he said, "You wanna know why [my wife's name] left? Because you're a lazy bum!"

Although I know they were merely the words of a child said in a moment of anger, I could not prevent being wounded by them. That nagging doubt in the back of my mind began asking whether or not maybe he observed something I had missed.

When I crawled into bed (which, this week happens to be the couch downstairs because I have company), I was really looking forward to sleep. Yes, I was tired - not just physically, but mentally, and emotionally - more than that, though, I wanted the escape offered by a deep slumber.

My wife has maintained that anytime I need to talk, if I'm having a rough night, I can call her. I decided to cash in that blue chip, and I called. We chatted very briefly, but then she complained of a sore throat and said she didn't want to talk anymore. I burrowed into my pile of blankets, and began my search for sleep. When it finally came, it was deep and restful, punctuated with dreams about the upcoming cruise.

When I got up this morning, I had another nasty surprise. As I have mentioned, I'm embroiled in custody litigation with my first wife. I could write page after page of the details, but the crux of it comes down to this: I already have primary physical custody of my son, my daughter has lived with me for two years, I want to memorialize the current situation with the court to make the legal documentation more accurately reflective of the current situation.

After some wrangling between attorneys (and her attorney telling her that her case was unwinnable), I ultimately extended a settlement offer to her that involved each of us paying our own legal fees, her not having to pay child support, and her getting extremely liberal visitation with the kids. She agreed that it was "fair" (a very subjective term), and I had my attorney draft the paperwork.

Although she's had the settlement paperwork for a month, and she's even signed and notarized it, she has yet to deliver it to my attorney to be filed. Recently, she's started dodging my phone calls, so when I finally was able to speak to her Saturday, I explained that this had gone on long enough, and that if she didn't have the papers to my attorney by 5PM Monday, I would be forced to rescind the settlement offer and simply allow the judge to decide what is and is not fair.

Sunday night around midnight, she called my daughter and told her to tell me to speak with her before I talked to my attorney. I've spent the last 2 days trying to call her, but she's still dodging.

What greeted me this morning was a note my daughter left for me when she went to school. It read:

Daddy,

Can you please stop the legal fighting with my mom? Yesterday, she called me to say that she was going to turn in the papers today, but she never wants to talk to me ever again because I'm not her daughter anymore. I don't know what to do. I know you've spent a lot of money on this, but everything is completely out of my control. Help Me.

- [her name]

In a word: despicable. I'd love to call her mother and explain how inappropriate and damaging that was, but she still won't take my calls. Instead, I'll make a note to talk to my daughter's therapist about it, and try to be as understanding and supportive as I can.

And so my life goes on, one day at a time, one challenge after another. I keep hoping things will get better, but I'm terrified that I may have reached my breaking point. I'm standing on the precipice, and the ground is crumbling beneath my feet.

No More I Love You

Well, another milestone I have dreaded has passed. My wife quit telling me that she loves me, and asked that I "cool it" with telling her. I suppose under the circumstances that is understandable. What bothers me is that she never comes out and directly tells me anything. Instead, I'll have a gut feeling that bothers me so I bring it up. Inevitably, she won't want to talk about it, but ultimately I get the message. The thing about this approach... It hurts. A lot.

About 6:00 last night (already a long day at work) I found out that the stuff I've been working on had to be finished by morning. I knew I had hours and hours of work left, so I went home, made dinner for the kids, and went back to work. I finally finished up and went home around 11PM. By then, I was utterly exhausted and completely spent - both mentally and emotionally. I called my wife on my way home and told her that it was a bad night to meet up, even though she was going to be in the area. For me, this was a moral victory. As badly as I wanted to see her, I did the right thing.

Eventually, I'll have to see her again to exchange the final few belongs that we have for each other. With any luck, I'll be stronger when that time comes. At least, I hope so.

Today is another busy day. For me, it started around 5:30 this morning so I could take my car in to get it serviced. I also have a dentist appointment, and I have to go pick up my car after work, and then stop for milk on the way home. I tried to make waffles for the kids this morning, only to find out after I mixed the dry ingredients that we didn't have enough milk. Single parenting is so much fun! ;-)

Thanks for reading this. I'll continue to put one foot in front of the other, take things day by day, and post my experiences here so you can watch me heal.

Hurting

It's been a long, exhausting day. I worked through lunch hoping to get finished at a reasonable time, but I wasn't quite that lucky.

I'm in a bad way right now. I feel like I'm losing myself as the black water of depression envelops me. I realize that it's only a bad day, and under the circumstance, is to be expected. I tell myself this, and it does no good at all.

A few minutes ago, I got an alert on my cell phone that I needed to delete some text messages or I wouldn't be able to receive any more. Happy for the distraction, I set myself about the busy work of deleting the old messages, when I came accross one that got to me. It was from my wife, at 12:59PM on November 29th (the day before my life fell apart), and it read simply: "I love you. Please be happy." My hand trembled, the words became blurry, and a single tear rolled down my cheek as I put my phone down as careful as a young mother nestles her newborn child. I didn't delete the message. It's the last reminder of how things used to be. If I could, I'd go back and live in that moment forever.

Comfort

Today has been a mixed grab bag. In fact, on the way back from lunch I was a bit surprised at how much my moods can fluctuate even within the span of only a few minutes.

On one hand, I'm improving. I'm listening to the radio while I drive again, which may sound funny, but is something I haven't been able to do since this all started. I'm also in better physical shape every day, and my total weight loss is now up to 20 pounds. I feel better, and I look better.

On the other hand, it's been a rough day at work. While admittedly my focus has been less than razor sharp lately, I apparently didn't realize how off I've been. Consequently, I managed to really piss off my boss. Seriously - he was visibly angry.

I had the dubious task of letting him know that I had grossly underestimated the level of effort required to complete a project I've been working on, ergo it won't be finished on time. I hate those conversations, but I always try to be honest, own my mistakes, accept the responsibility that belongs to me, and let the chips fall where they may. It's never fun, but it's all part of business. The bottom line is that I may end up working this weekend to make up for lost time.

Notwithstanding my flub (that I attribute to a lack of focus), I actually did do quite a bit of work today. Honestly, it felt pretty good to dig in and be productive. I was reminded that I really enjoy what I do, and I'm pretty good at it. (For those who don't know, I'm the Director of Web Development for a small, well-funded company that is owned by a large, well-funded company.)

Still, right now I could really use a reassuring hug. I want to be cuddled. I want someone to tell me things will be okay. I need to be comforted.

Yes, my kids are there, and they're always good for a hug. Yes, my parents are supportive, and they tell me things will be okay. Yes, I have friends who also reassure me. But at the end of the night, when I crawl into bed, I'll be lying there alone.