As I mentioned, I went to the dentist yesterday for a cleaning. It was a mixed experience - part painful, part encouraging.
First, I ended up having to wait for a little bit before my appointment. As I was sitting there captive, listening to the music they pipe in, I got thrown a curve ball. The song Don't Know Why by Nora Jones started playing. This song is significant because my wife sang it at Karaoke on a cruise we took, so it always makes me think of her, and it reminds me of her beautiful voice and how pretty she looked that night.
I damned near started crying right there in the waiting room. I desperately wanted to get out of there, but I couldn't. I was trapped, and it was downright miserable. I swallowed the lump in my throat, choked back the tears, and tried to think about other things until the song was over.
Finally my turn came and I was able to escape purgatory. My hygienist came out, greeted me with her usual stunning smile, and invited me back.
Now, in the spirit of disclosure, I should say that I've had a "thing" for my hygienist for about the last 2 years. That may sound juicy, but it's fairly innocuous. She's happily married, as I was I, and it's something that both my wife and daughter teased me about - an open secret, as it were. Some people are just naturally sexy (it's something about the way they carry themselves). She is one of them.
During the course of our conversation, she asked me when my wife would be in. I had to explain that I didn't know, and then a little bit about why. She was absolutely shocked. Her words were "I can't believe that! She was just in here a while ago and she was telling me how wonderful you are!" I should start a club for people who are baffled by this. The membership would be huge.
During the course of the cleaning, at one pause, I tell her to make sure to give me a pretty smile because I'm going to need it now. Much to my surprise, she responds by saying that I already have a great smile, and there's nothing she needs to do. It made my day. :-)
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
On Life and Being Single
It's a funny thing. The stereotypical "male response" to situations like this seems to be to go crazy with new found freedom. That may be the stereotype, but that's not how I feel at all.
Several weeks ago, I had a funny conversation with my son. It went something like this:
So here we are several weeks later. I haven't been on any dates, I'm not seeing anyone or grooming anyone to see them later, and I have no plans to do so. I did have a nice phone conversation that helped put things in perspective, but as I predicted, nothing came of it, and that's fine with me. I guess you could say I'm taking a little time to get to know myself.
I've gotten used to my new role as single parent. I don't mind running the house by myself, doing the cooking, or any of that. Mostly, my unmet needs at this point are emotional. It would be nice to share life's problems with someone, or to have that encouraging hug when I've had a rough day.
Everyone tells me how well I'm doing, how strong I am, and how fast I'm getting through this. Outwardly, that is certainly the case. From my perspective, though, it's Hobson's Choice. Of course I continue - I have children to worry about. Of course I go to work - I have bills to pay.
Of course I look on the bright side of life - the alternative is much much worse.
I actually started humming an old song yesterday (must be my subconscious at work), and when I realized it, I looked up the lyrics. They fit this situation rather well. Here's a sample from part of the song (emphasis added):
Nobody ever said it would be easy, and it's not. But I keep going forward, one day it a time, one foot in front of the other, as the journey continues.
Several weeks ago, I had a funny conversation with my son. It went something like this:
Him: Dad?
Me: Yes, son?
Him: Does this mean you're going to start dating again?
Me: Oh, I don't know, son - probably eventually. We'll have to see how it goes.
Him: I don't want you to.
Me: Why not?
Him: Because I don't want you bringing any skanks home.
Me: (laughing) Well, I'm not really attracted to those type of women, so I don't think you need to worry.
Him: (pausing to think) What about "money grubbers"?
Me: I'll be careful. I think I'll be okay.
Him: Okay, in that case, I want you start dating. Why don't you go on a date this weekend?
Me: (smiling) Well, son, I'm not really ready for that. How about this: when I feel ready, if I happen to meet an attractive lady and I feel like I'd like to have dinner with her or go to a movie, I'll ask her out then.
Him: Okay
(I give him a hug, and he seems more cheerful)
So here we are several weeks later. I haven't been on any dates, I'm not seeing anyone or grooming anyone to see them later, and I have no plans to do so. I did have a nice phone conversation that helped put things in perspective, but as I predicted, nothing came of it, and that's fine with me. I guess you could say I'm taking a little time to get to know myself.
I've gotten used to my new role as single parent. I don't mind running the house by myself, doing the cooking, or any of that. Mostly, my unmet needs at this point are emotional. It would be nice to share life's problems with someone, or to have that encouraging hug when I've had a rough day.
Everyone tells me how well I'm doing, how strong I am, and how fast I'm getting through this. Outwardly, that is certainly the case. From my perspective, though, it's Hobson's Choice. Of course I continue - I have children to worry about. Of course I go to work - I have bills to pay.
Of course I look on the bright side of life - the alternative is much much worse.
I actually started humming an old song yesterday (must be my subconscious at work), and when I realized it, I looked up the lyrics. They fit this situation rather well. Here's a sample from part of the song (emphasis added):
Ever since I met you
You're the only love I've known
And I can't forget you
Though I must face it all alone
All at once,
I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Wishing you'd come back to me
And that's all that matters now
All at once,
I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Holding on to memories
And it hurts me more than you know
So much more than it shows
All at once
Nobody ever said it would be easy, and it's not. But I keep going forward, one day it a time, one foot in front of the other, as the journey continues.
Monday, January 8, 2007
Moving Forward
Well, I've been very very busy. That's part of the reason why I haven't posted in a few days. The other part is that I'm trying to avoid turning this into another soccer mom Live Journal. That said, if you can make it through this post, there's good stuff at the end.
Today, for the most part, was a good day. At least, it has been so far. But, I'll come back to that in a moment.
I had great plans for Saturday. It turns out that I had to work Sunday, so I wanted to make sure to optimize the one remaining day of the weekend. I planned it so that I would get up, take the kids to their therapy appointments (we go every Saturday), then do the grocery shopping, hurry home to do a load or two of laundry before my wife came at 4:00 to pick up my son for a day out. I figured they would be back around 6:00, which meant I would start the spaghetti around 5:15 so we could have a quick meal before I had to leave for a birthday party I was invited to Saturday night. It looked good on paper.
On Friday my wife called because the brakes went bad on the vehicle she's driving. I told her not to worry - we'd get it taken care of. So the plan was for her to get up, get an estimate, have the repair, then meet with a mutual friend to pick up some furniture and have coffee. That should have allowed her time to get to my house and pick up my son.
What really happened Saturday was that nothing went as planned. On my way to the grocery store that afternoon after therapy, I called to see how the estimate was going, and my wife was still asleep. Fortunately, the shopping went well, and I simply adjusted the schedule to reflect reality. I was bound and determined to get things back on track. Then, when she arrived, things went downhill for me.
I hadn't cried since the last time I saw her. For some reason, when I saw her again and sensed that she was further withdrawing from me, I cried again. She also didn't want to stay for dinner. Honestly, I think I need to do a better job of managing my expectations.
I managed to upset myself enough that I threw up after she left (note to self: chew lettuce better). Then I resolved to get things a little more under control, and do a better job of letting go. When she dropped off my son, I told her I was going to leave her alone. I explained that I meant I was no longer going to have expectations, and I'd try harder to give her space. She gave me a strange look, but said okay.
When it came time for the party, I was exhausted and didn't feel like going - particularly since I found out it involved a 45 minute drive each way. I bagged it and spent the time with my kids instead.
Later that night, circa 1AM, my son puked all over the stairs. You know it's bad when you hear a splash that sounds like throwing a bucket of water in the bathtub, and then you realize that it's carpet. To compound the issue, he flatly refused to even help clean it up. Now, I've been angry before, but this made me furious. Having your 13-year-old yark chunks all over the stairs at 1 in the morning, and then belligerently refuse to clean it up (or go back to bed for that matter) is the ultimate test. He was sorry the next day. Still, it was frustrating - the perfect end to the perfect day.
On Sunday, I worked until about 7PM Sunday trying to get my project back. I made excellent progress, although I'm still working to bring it in for the big finish. While in the office, I bumped into a coworker I have chatted with a few times. She is very calm, easy to talk to, and has a son about my age. In the military, I would have referred to her as "dark green", which is a reference to her African descent (there is no black or white in the Army -- only shades of green).
We grumbled about having to work the weekend, and then for some reason, I felt the urge to open up to her. I told her I assumed everything we were saying was off the record (a fair assumption, since she made some pretty unflattering remarks about my boss). She chuckled and said she certainly hoped so.
Then I told her that something else that made it difficult for me was that my wife decided to leave right before I started this job, so I've been struggling with that and doing the single parent thing. Her response surprised me.
Without hesitation, she moved closer to me, wrapped her arms around me, and gave me a hug. While we embraced, she said, "I don't really know you that well, but I know that you need that. I'll tell you a secret. Just before my birthday in December, my husband of 25 years told me he wanted a divorce."
Sometimes, the smallest gesture makes the biggest impact. From now on, I will always feel a sense of closeness and kinship with this lady.
So, today was another busy day. I spent a large part of the night dreading my boss' reaction to the project not quite being finished, but in a stroke of really good luck, he was in a good mood today. Things went very well.
Against this backdrop, I've had another epiphany (for those who bothered to read this far). I've spent too much time worrying about what my life might be, and not enough time worrying about what it is. The truth of the matter is that I'm in good health, I make good money, I like my job, I have two wonderful kids who love and support me, and I'm surrounded by people (like you) who genuinely care. Does it really matter if I'm divorced a year from now? In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't.
Today, for the most part, was a good day. At least, it has been so far. But, I'll come back to that in a moment.
I had great plans for Saturday. It turns out that I had to work Sunday, so I wanted to make sure to optimize the one remaining day of the weekend. I planned it so that I would get up, take the kids to their therapy appointments (we go every Saturday), then do the grocery shopping, hurry home to do a load or two of laundry before my wife came at 4:00 to pick up my son for a day out. I figured they would be back around 6:00, which meant I would start the spaghetti around 5:15 so we could have a quick meal before I had to leave for a birthday party I was invited to Saturday night. It looked good on paper.
On Friday my wife called because the brakes went bad on the vehicle she's driving. I told her not to worry - we'd get it taken care of. So the plan was for her to get up, get an estimate, have the repair, then meet with a mutual friend to pick up some furniture and have coffee. That should have allowed her time to get to my house and pick up my son.
What really happened Saturday was that nothing went as planned. On my way to the grocery store that afternoon after therapy, I called to see how the estimate was going, and my wife was still asleep. Fortunately, the shopping went well, and I simply adjusted the schedule to reflect reality. I was bound and determined to get things back on track. Then, when she arrived, things went downhill for me.
I hadn't cried since the last time I saw her. For some reason, when I saw her again and sensed that she was further withdrawing from me, I cried again. She also didn't want to stay for dinner. Honestly, I think I need to do a better job of managing my expectations.
I managed to upset myself enough that I threw up after she left (note to self: chew lettuce better). Then I resolved to get things a little more under control, and do a better job of letting go. When she dropped off my son, I told her I was going to leave her alone. I explained that I meant I was no longer going to have expectations, and I'd try harder to give her space. She gave me a strange look, but said okay.
When it came time for the party, I was exhausted and didn't feel like going - particularly since I found out it involved a 45 minute drive each way. I bagged it and spent the time with my kids instead.
Later that night, circa 1AM, my son puked all over the stairs. You know it's bad when you hear a splash that sounds like throwing a bucket of water in the bathtub, and then you realize that it's carpet. To compound the issue, he flatly refused to even help clean it up. Now, I've been angry before, but this made me furious. Having your 13-year-old yark chunks all over the stairs at 1 in the morning, and then belligerently refuse to clean it up (or go back to bed for that matter) is the ultimate test. He was sorry the next day. Still, it was frustrating - the perfect end to the perfect day.
On Sunday, I worked until about 7PM Sunday trying to get my project back. I made excellent progress, although I'm still working to bring it in for the big finish. While in the office, I bumped into a coworker I have chatted with a few times. She is very calm, easy to talk to, and has a son about my age. In the military, I would have referred to her as "dark green", which is a reference to her African descent (there is no black or white in the Army -- only shades of green).
We grumbled about having to work the weekend, and then for some reason, I felt the urge to open up to her. I told her I assumed everything we were saying was off the record (a fair assumption, since she made some pretty unflattering remarks about my boss). She chuckled and said she certainly hoped so.
Then I told her that something else that made it difficult for me was that my wife decided to leave right before I started this job, so I've been struggling with that and doing the single parent thing. Her response surprised me.
Without hesitation, she moved closer to me, wrapped her arms around me, and gave me a hug. While we embraced, she said, "I don't really know you that well, but I know that you need that. I'll tell you a secret. Just before my birthday in December, my husband of 25 years told me he wanted a divorce."
Sometimes, the smallest gesture makes the biggest impact. From now on, I will always feel a sense of closeness and kinship with this lady.
So, today was another busy day. I spent a large part of the night dreading my boss' reaction to the project not quite being finished, but in a stroke of really good luck, he was in a good mood today. Things went very well.
Against this backdrop, I've had another epiphany (for those who bothered to read this far). I've spent too much time worrying about what my life might be, and not enough time worrying about what it is. The truth of the matter is that I'm in good health, I make good money, I like my job, I have two wonderful kids who love and support me, and I'm surrounded by people (like you) who genuinely care. Does it really matter if I'm divorced a year from now? In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't.
Thursday, January 4, 2007
Comfort
Today has been a mixed grab bag. In fact, on the way back from lunch I was a bit surprised at how much my moods can fluctuate even within the span of only a few minutes.
On one hand, I'm improving. I'm listening to the radio while I drive again, which may sound funny, but is something I haven't been able to do since this all started. I'm also in better physical shape every day, and my total weight loss is now up to 20 pounds. I feel better, and I look better.
On the other hand, it's been a rough day at work. While admittedly my focus has been less than razor sharp lately, I apparently didn't realize how off I've been. Consequently, I managed to really piss off my boss. Seriously - he was visibly angry.
I had the dubious task of letting him know that I had grossly underestimated the level of effort required to complete a project I've been working on, ergo it won't be finished on time. I hate those conversations, but I always try to be honest, own my mistakes, accept the responsibility that belongs to me, and let the chips fall where they may. It's never fun, but it's all part of business. The bottom line is that I may end up working this weekend to make up for lost time.
Notwithstanding my flub (that I attribute to a lack of focus), I actually did do quite a bit of work today. Honestly, it felt pretty good to dig in and be productive. I was reminded that I really enjoy what I do, and I'm pretty good at it. (For those who don't know, I'm the Director of Web Development for a small, well-funded company that is owned by a large, well-funded company.)
Still, right now I could really use a reassuring hug. I want to be cuddled. I want someone to tell me things will be okay. I need to be comforted.
Yes, my kids are there, and they're always good for a hug. Yes, my parents are supportive, and they tell me things will be okay. Yes, I have friends who also reassure me. But at the end of the night, when I crawl into bed, I'll be lying there alone.
On one hand, I'm improving. I'm listening to the radio while I drive again, which may sound funny, but is something I haven't been able to do since this all started. I'm also in better physical shape every day, and my total weight loss is now up to 20 pounds. I feel better, and I look better.
On the other hand, it's been a rough day at work. While admittedly my focus has been less than razor sharp lately, I apparently didn't realize how off I've been. Consequently, I managed to really piss off my boss. Seriously - he was visibly angry.
I had the dubious task of letting him know that I had grossly underestimated the level of effort required to complete a project I've been working on, ergo it won't be finished on time. I hate those conversations, but I always try to be honest, own my mistakes, accept the responsibility that belongs to me, and let the chips fall where they may. It's never fun, but it's all part of business. The bottom line is that I may end up working this weekend to make up for lost time.
Notwithstanding my flub (that I attribute to a lack of focus), I actually did do quite a bit of work today. Honestly, it felt pretty good to dig in and be productive. I was reminded that I really enjoy what I do, and I'm pretty good at it. (For those who don't know, I'm the Director of Web Development for a small, well-funded company that is owned by a large, well-funded company.)
Still, right now I could really use a reassuring hug. I want to be cuddled. I want someone to tell me things will be okay. I need to be comforted.
Yes, my kids are there, and they're always good for a hug. Yes, my parents are supportive, and they tell me things will be okay. Yes, I have friends who also reassure me. But at the end of the night, when I crawl into bed, I'll be lying there alone.
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Momentum
Well, another weekend and another holiday season are behind me. All things considered, I think it was a fairly productive weekend, and a few interesting things happened.
Friday morning, I took my wedding ring off. It's strange - after more than 7 years I seem to have a permanent groove in my finger. I've always been the type of guy who never takes off his wedding band -- I even wore it in the shower and while SCUBA diving. My basic philosophy was that no matter what I was doing I was married, so I would always keep the ring on.
Initially, my wife didn't notice that I wasn't wearing it anymore. Then on Sunday, she saw it sitting on my desk and asked what it was about. She seemed a little troubled, and said she wanted to think about it. The next time I saw her, she had taken hers off too. I don't think either one of us is sure how we feel about it.
Friday morning, I took my wedding ring off. It's strange - after more than 7 years I seem to have a permanent groove in my finger. I've always been the type of guy who never takes off his wedding band -- I even wore it in the shower and while SCUBA diving. My basic philosophy was that no matter what I was doing I was married, so I would always keep the ring on.
Initially, my wife didn't notice that I wasn't wearing it anymore. Then on Sunday, she saw it sitting on my desk and asked what it was about. She seemed a little troubled, and said she wanted to think about it. The next time I saw her, she had taken hers off too. I don't think either one of us is sure how we feel about it.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Acceptance
My daughter is waiting for me to go grocery shopping (we made a list of our meals and what we need to buy), so unfortunately, I don't have time to write a very detailed post right now. But, I realize that many people watch this blog and are concerned for me. That being the case, I'll offer a quick update and fill in the details later.
A very interesting thing happened the other night. I had a very painful conversation with my wife. It wasn't easy, and at one point she actually used the words "it's over". I resolved myself to accept the situation as it is, and live my life based on that. Right now, she is gone. Period. She isn't coming back, and I cannot sit out on the porch gazing over the horizon waiting to see her silhouette come walking down the road.
It's possible that she may find what she's looking for, and decide to come back. It's also possible that some rich relative I've never met will leave me a large inheritance, but I cannot make my decisions based upon either possibility. Time waits for no man, and I have to go on. If she has a change of heart in the future, the burden will be on her to win me back - not the other way around.
After I made the decision, I cried. When I finished, I accepted reality. That night, I slept the whole night through without waking up shivering in a puddle of sweat for the first time in a month. Sure, I have down moments during the day, but I'm trying to focus on the positive, and I managed to make it through the whole night again last night.
I've dropped about 17 pounds, and I've started to work out again. I'm feeling better both physically, and emotionally. It's not too surprising given that studies have shown exercise to help reduce stress. Admittedly, she looks great too. That's not so easy for me to accept, but again, it's reality.
I really appreciate the outpouring of support I've gotten. Thank you for continuing to watch me heal.
A very interesting thing happened the other night. I had a very painful conversation with my wife. It wasn't easy, and at one point she actually used the words "it's over". I resolved myself to accept the situation as it is, and live my life based on that. Right now, she is gone. Period. She isn't coming back, and I cannot sit out on the porch gazing over the horizon waiting to see her silhouette come walking down the road.
It's possible that she may find what she's looking for, and decide to come back. It's also possible that some rich relative I've never met will leave me a large inheritance, but I cannot make my decisions based upon either possibility. Time waits for no man, and I have to go on. If she has a change of heart in the future, the burden will be on her to win me back - not the other way around.
After I made the decision, I cried. When I finished, I accepted reality. That night, I slept the whole night through without waking up shivering in a puddle of sweat for the first time in a month. Sure, I have down moments during the day, but I'm trying to focus on the positive, and I managed to make it through the whole night again last night.
I've dropped about 17 pounds, and I've started to work out again. I'm feeling better both physically, and emotionally. It's not too surprising given that studies have shown exercise to help reduce stress. Admittedly, she looks great too. That's not so easy for me to accept, but again, it's reality.
I really appreciate the outpouring of support I've gotten. Thank you for continuing to watch me heal.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Equilibrium
Some days are up; some days are down. Today is sort of in the middle. I'm not as positive as I was yesterday, but I'm not as negative as the day before. On the plus side, I feel a lot better physically - much as I suspected I would.
Sometimes I find myself feeling down, and it's really frustrating for me. I know I need to let go, but I just can't seem to do it. Then I get a little angry at myself for being weak, and yes, even a bit pathetic.
For now, I'm content that the lows are no longer quite so crushing, and the highs are a little more frequent. As with any roller coaster ride, the scariest part is the first drop.
Sometimes I find myself feeling down, and it's really frustrating for me. I know I need to let go, but I just can't seem to do it. Then I get a little angry at myself for being weak, and yes, even a bit pathetic.
For now, I'm content that the lows are no longer quite so crushing, and the highs are a little more frequent. As with any roller coaster ride, the scariest part is the first drop.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Control
I've had an epiphany. I don't have any control over this situation, and I find that thought ... liberating. Let me elaborate.
This morning, a good friend of mine observed: "I think a lot of your trepidation with her leaving has more to do with your own feelings on your ability to be in control of your life." While I don't know that I necessarily agree 100% with that statement, it does have elements of truth. Part of this may indeed be a control thing for me. But, it's a funny thing about control, sometimes not being in control can be a good thing too.
When I was promoted to Sergeant in the Army, one of the first things I said was "You know, there's a lot to be said for being a Private." My reasoning was that as a Private, you really don't have any problems. If a problem comes up, you tell your Sergeant and now it's his problem. As a Sergeant, however, not only do you have to deal with all your own problems, you also have to take care of your subordinates and look out for their well-being.
In this situation, I don't have any control. That also means I cannot be held accountable -- especially to myself. I have done everything I can, and I can do no more. It's time to focus on things I can control.
This morning, a good friend of mine observed: "I think a lot of your trepidation with her leaving has more to do with your own feelings on your ability to be in control of your life." While I don't know that I necessarily agree 100% with that statement, it does have elements of truth. Part of this may indeed be a control thing for me. But, it's a funny thing about control, sometimes not being in control can be a good thing too.
When I was promoted to Sergeant in the Army, one of the first things I said was "You know, there's a lot to be said for being a Private." My reasoning was that as a Private, you really don't have any problems. If a problem comes up, you tell your Sergeant and now it's his problem. As a Sergeant, however, not only do you have to deal with all your own problems, you also have to take care of your subordinates and look out for their well-being.
In this situation, I don't have any control. That also means I cannot be held accountable -- especially to myself. I have done everything I can, and I can do no more. It's time to focus on things I can control.
Looking Up
For some reason, I feel a lot better today. I'm realizing that this isn't the end. It's not even the beginning of the end. It's merely the end of the beginning.
I still love my wife, and I still want her back. No matter what happens, I always will. Still, it's nice to not feel so black.
Ironically, while I'm feeling better emotionally, I'm feeling worse physically. I'm one of those people who very rarely gets sick, and when I do, my immune system knocks it out quickly. Unfortunately, stress takes its toll even on me. I'm achy and I have a scratchy nasal passage and throat. Also, my knee is killing me today (7 years as a Paratrooper also takes a toll). But I know the knee will feel better in a day or so, and I'll probably just end up with a mild cold.
Perhaps one reason for my optimism is because things went well for my daughter's birthday last night. I picked up an ice cream cake for her (as requested), and cooked her favorite meal. The meal turned out great, she loved the cake, and she was ecstatic with the birthday presents (jewelry).
My kids have been my island of sanity through this. We seem to share each other's pain. I grieve when they do, and they hurt for me as much as themselves. I think seeing them a bit more happy perks me up, and I hope my new found optimism will have the same effect on them.
Another thing that has really helped me through this is my parents. I call them 5 or 6 times a day, and they are always willing to listen. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I complain, sometimes I rejoice. Regardless of the reason, they're always willing to share it with me and to offer some kind words and hope. I love you, mom & dad.
Although this is anonymous so I can't really give the credit deserved, it's worth mentioning that I also have a few close friends who have really stepped forward. You know who you are. All I can say is thank you for telling me when the sun is shining.
Finally, I think writing helps. I've always been an emotional creature. Unlike a lot of men, I prefer to talk about my feelings. I'm generally the one who wants to talk things out. Also, I like show tunes and theater - but don't tell anyone. ;-)
I still love my wife, and I still want her back. No matter what happens, I always will. Still, it's nice to not feel so black.
Ironically, while I'm feeling better emotionally, I'm feeling worse physically. I'm one of those people who very rarely gets sick, and when I do, my immune system knocks it out quickly. Unfortunately, stress takes its toll even on me. I'm achy and I have a scratchy nasal passage and throat. Also, my knee is killing me today (7 years as a Paratrooper also takes a toll). But I know the knee will feel better in a day or so, and I'll probably just end up with a mild cold.
Perhaps one reason for my optimism is because things went well for my daughter's birthday last night. I picked up an ice cream cake for her (as requested), and cooked her favorite meal. The meal turned out great, she loved the cake, and she was ecstatic with the birthday presents (jewelry).
My kids have been my island of sanity through this. We seem to share each other's pain. I grieve when they do, and they hurt for me as much as themselves. I think seeing them a bit more happy perks me up, and I hope my new found optimism will have the same effect on them.
Another thing that has really helped me through this is my parents. I call them 5 or 6 times a day, and they are always willing to listen. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I complain, sometimes I rejoice. Regardless of the reason, they're always willing to share it with me and to offer some kind words and hope. I love you, mom & dad.
Although this is anonymous so I can't really give the credit deserved, it's worth mentioning that I also have a few close friends who have really stepped forward. You know who you are. All I can say is thank you for telling me when the sun is shining.
Finally, I think writing helps. I've always been an emotional creature. Unlike a lot of men, I prefer to talk about my feelings. I'm generally the one who wants to talk things out. Also, I like show tunes and theater - but don't tell anyone. ;-)
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
One Foot in Front of the Other
Well, the weekend is officially over. It was a little strange, frankly. At least I can check it off my list. Now I just need to focus on getting through New Years...
Today is my daughter's 15th birthday. My wife is supposed to be coming over tonight to wish her a happy birthday and share some cake. With a little luck, she may also decide to stay for dinner. My daughter asked me to make Chicken Parmesan for her birthday, and while it's a lot of work, I think I do a pretty good job of it.
Since the kids are out of school all week, I'm going home to for lunch to see them. Generally, I find that I need to get away from the office a little each day, and seeing my kids is a great bonus.
As I mentioned before, my wife and I went to the movies on Saturday afternoon. It felt really awkward for both of us, and she left without having dinner. Maybe it's still too soon for things like that.
The next day was Christmas Eve, and initially, she really didn't feel like coming over (or doing anything, for that matter). I vented a bit on her (perhaps unfair, but even terse communication is communication), and ultimately told her that maybe it would be best if she didn't come. For some reason, after that she decided to come and spend the night.
While wrapping Christmas presents for the kids, I explained to her that I was going to forget everything for one night and just enjoy her company and be happy. I explained that I'd like to just pretend things were normal, and in return, the next day we could sit down, finish our business (splitting the finances, etc.) , and go on.
Even though I knew I'd have to deal with it later, I just wanted a small break from the torment. I wanted to have my wife back for a night -- even if only temporary. I wanted us to be a family again for Christmas. In many regards, I approached it like the end of the movie Artificial Intelligence: AI. Even though I knew it would only be one night, I needed it so badly I was willing to accept the implications.
As we wrapped presents, I jokingly told my wife that there were two things I wanted for Christmas that we couldn't put under the tree: I wanted her to help me with a quest in an online game we both play, and then take me to bed. "I think that can be accommodated", she told me with a grin. And she did.
Christmas morning we got up with the kids and did our unwrapping. I think this was the first time we didn't open a single gift on Christmas Eve. The kids seemed happy with what they got, which I think pleased both my wife and me.
Later in the day we sat down for the unpleasant task of dividing our debts. Admittedly, I cried a little, and she showed me a softness and understanding that I haven't seen from her in a while. I tried to steel myself against the upset, and we continued.
In October, we moved into a somewhat expensive place ($2,450 a month) so my daughter could go to a very good school. My son's school is right next door, and is equally impressive.
Let me tell you what kind of person my wife is. After we equitably divided debts, it began to look as though I were going to have a pretty tough time. She juggled some numbers around, and then insisted that she pay $500 a month of the rent so the kids wouldn't have to change schools or be disrupted.
I'm really torn by that. On one hand, my machismo is killing me because I have an ingrained sense of chivalry. True, I don't get any child support for the kids, but that's not my wife's fault (they're from a previous marriage). Still, I feel like I should be the one being the hero to the rescue - not the other way around. Then I realize that perhaps that is one of the problems that caused this outcome to begin with, and I commit myself to not let pride interfere. This is something she wants to do, and I'm going to let her. In either case, I appreciate the help, but even more, what it represents.
I'm still holding on to hope. Hope is one of the things that makes us human. Hope motivates us to strive for greatness, and sees us through the struggles in life. Hope can also be maddening. I'm coming to realize that hope fits naturally with love and passion - that in order for something to be wonderful, it also has to have a dark side.
Thank you for reading this. I promise that if you keep reading, I'll keep writing. Together we'll make this journey, and one day, maybe someone else will be able to use the map we create.
Today is my daughter's 15th birthday. My wife is supposed to be coming over tonight to wish her a happy birthday and share some cake. With a little luck, she may also decide to stay for dinner. My daughter asked me to make Chicken Parmesan for her birthday, and while it's a lot of work, I think I do a pretty good job of it.
Since the kids are out of school all week, I'm going home to for lunch to see them. Generally, I find that I need to get away from the office a little each day, and seeing my kids is a great bonus.
As I mentioned before, my wife and I went to the movies on Saturday afternoon. It felt really awkward for both of us, and she left without having dinner. Maybe it's still too soon for things like that.
The next day was Christmas Eve, and initially, she really didn't feel like coming over (or doing anything, for that matter). I vented a bit on her (perhaps unfair, but even terse communication is communication), and ultimately told her that maybe it would be best if she didn't come. For some reason, after that she decided to come and spend the night.
While wrapping Christmas presents for the kids, I explained to her that I was going to forget everything for one night and just enjoy her company and be happy. I explained that I'd like to just pretend things were normal, and in return, the next day we could sit down, finish our business (splitting the finances, etc.) , and go on.
Even though I knew I'd have to deal with it later, I just wanted a small break from the torment. I wanted to have my wife back for a night -- even if only temporary. I wanted us to be a family again for Christmas. In many regards, I approached it like the end of the movie Artificial Intelligence: AI. Even though I knew it would only be one night, I needed it so badly I was willing to accept the implications.
As we wrapped presents, I jokingly told my wife that there were two things I wanted for Christmas that we couldn't put under the tree: I wanted her to help me with a quest in an online game we both play, and then take me to bed. "I think that can be accommodated", she told me with a grin. And she did.
Christmas morning we got up with the kids and did our unwrapping. I think this was the first time we didn't open a single gift on Christmas Eve. The kids seemed happy with what they got, which I think pleased both my wife and me.
Later in the day we sat down for the unpleasant task of dividing our debts. Admittedly, I cried a little, and she showed me a softness and understanding that I haven't seen from her in a while. I tried to steel myself against the upset, and we continued.
In October, we moved into a somewhat expensive place ($2,450 a month) so my daughter could go to a very good school. My son's school is right next door, and is equally impressive.
Let me tell you what kind of person my wife is. After we equitably divided debts, it began to look as though I were going to have a pretty tough time. She juggled some numbers around, and then insisted that she pay $500 a month of the rent so the kids wouldn't have to change schools or be disrupted.
I'm really torn by that. On one hand, my machismo is killing me because I have an ingrained sense of chivalry. True, I don't get any child support for the kids, but that's not my wife's fault (they're from a previous marriage). Still, I feel like I should be the one being the hero to the rescue - not the other way around. Then I realize that perhaps that is one of the problems that caused this outcome to begin with, and I commit myself to not let pride interfere. This is something she wants to do, and I'm going to let her. In either case, I appreciate the help, but even more, what it represents.
I'm still holding on to hope. Hope is one of the things that makes us human. Hope motivates us to strive for greatness, and sees us through the struggles in life. Hope can also be maddening. I'm coming to realize that hope fits naturally with love and passion - that in order for something to be wonderful, it also has to have a dark side.
Thank you for reading this. I promise that if you keep reading, I'll keep writing. Together we'll make this journey, and one day, maybe someone else will be able to use the map we create.
Friday, December 22, 2006
She's Gone
She's gone. I have to come to terms with it. I must accept it. I have to extinguish my silly childish dreams that any moment she'll change her mind.
I talked to her candidly this morning, and I told her that I felt like she wanted me to wait while she went off and did her own thing, and if she didn't like it she'd be back, but if she did, well, it was fun while it lasted. She confessed that in a way, that was exactly what she was asking. Then we began discussions on how to separate our finances.
Honestly, I think not knowing is worse than anything else. At least if I know it's over, I can begin the healing process.
When I was a kid, we had a mangy old black tom cat who would go out, roam around, get in trouble and come home all torn up. He was a mass of scars, yet he never seemed to give up his perpetual fight. I remember one time my mom had to doctor him with peroxide, and it bleached his fur. He looked ridiculous, but still carried himself with a a level of arrogance known only to cats. Now it's time for me to put peroxide on my wounds. My ears are torn, I'm in pain, and I'm tired from years of the same, but I must continue the fight.
They say if you love something you should let it go. There is no question in my mind that I love her. Amazingly, after 8 years, my heart still skips a beat when I see her. But when you love someone, you have to do the right thing. So now I let her go. I sincerely hope she finds what she's looking for - she deserves to be happy.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what my life will be in 3 months, or 6 months, or a year. Maybe she'll go out and realize that the grass isn't really as green as it looks from here. Conversely, it's equally possible she'll discover that she's happier on her own.
In either event, I know you can never go back. If she changes her mind, and if I feel the same, we can go forward together perhaps, but nobody can ever go back. No matter what happens, though, she is my friend, and I love her. Goodbye, by wife.
I talked to her candidly this morning, and I told her that I felt like she wanted me to wait while she went off and did her own thing, and if she didn't like it she'd be back, but if she did, well, it was fun while it lasted. She confessed that in a way, that was exactly what she was asking. Then we began discussions on how to separate our finances.
Honestly, I think not knowing is worse than anything else. At least if I know it's over, I can begin the healing process.
When I was a kid, we had a mangy old black tom cat who would go out, roam around, get in trouble and come home all torn up. He was a mass of scars, yet he never seemed to give up his perpetual fight. I remember one time my mom had to doctor him with peroxide, and it bleached his fur. He looked ridiculous, but still carried himself with a a level of arrogance known only to cats. Now it's time for me to put peroxide on my wounds. My ears are torn, I'm in pain, and I'm tired from years of the same, but I must continue the fight.
They say if you love something you should let it go. There is no question in my mind that I love her. Amazingly, after 8 years, my heart still skips a beat when I see her. But when you love someone, you have to do the right thing. So now I let her go. I sincerely hope she finds what she's looking for - she deserves to be happy.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what my life will be in 3 months, or 6 months, or a year. Maybe she'll go out and realize that the grass isn't really as green as it looks from here. Conversely, it's equally possible she'll discover that she's happier on her own.
In either event, I know you can never go back. If she changes her mind, and if I feel the same, we can go forward together perhaps, but nobody can ever go back. No matter what happens, though, she is my friend, and I love her. Goodbye, by wife.
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