On the heals of a wonderful visit on Friday, I spoke with my father-in-law on Saturday morning while the kids were in counseling. As I mentioned, it's become a weekly routine.
As always, it was a pleasant conversation. I told him that I had seen his daughter the night before, that things had gone well, and that she looked really good.
He suggested I take her to dinner or something with just the two of us. I told him I would like that when she was ready, and then at one point, he told me that he was confident we were going to get back together. I was really torn between trying to jump on the optimism bandwagon, and feeling bad that perhaps he doesn't know the situation that well. I simply said that I hoped so, and left it at that.
I also spoke to her grandmother. She still hasn't told her what's going on, and it was a bit awkward. I had to do some creative explaining to avoid getting myself boxed into a corner where I might have to lie.
I told her I was just taking the kids to their weekly counseling, and I wanted to see how she was doing (she broke a few ribs a short while ago).
At one point, she asked me where my wife was, and I told her that she was still at home (true) and probably still asleep (also true). This resulted in her grandmother explaining that she could understand why my wife would be tired, what with her career and taking care of kids and a husband. It's a lot of work, after all. I simply agreed, and left it at that.
Going forward, I'm going to give my wife's grandmother distance unless I know that she wants to talk to me. Apart from the awkwardness, I want to make sure not to invade my wife's space too much. I may simply encourage my wife to call when I'm curious, and then get the details from her. In any event, it is her grandmother - not mine.
Showing posts with label optimism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label optimism. Show all posts
Monday, January 22, 2007
Friday Visit
I mentioned in another post that I was afraid of seeing my wife on Friday. It turns out that she was very nice to me in our interactions all day Friday, and the visit went much better than I expected it would.
I didn't cry, I didn't get upset, and I was proud of myself for being so strong - so optimistic - so in control of myself. What I did do was go home from work and spend several hours boxing up stuff for her.
When she arrived, it was a bit awkward at first. Do I hug her? How do I act? What do I say?
She looked spectacular. I mean that. She literally took my breath away. We've both lost a substantial amount of weight, and this was the first time I'd seen her in about two weeks. She was also wearing some new hoop earrings that are a different style than I'd grown used to seeing her wear. My heart skipped a few beats, and I felt myself growing as nervous as a teenager asking a girl to the prom.
Finally she broke the ice by asking me how I had been and giving me a hug. We went upstairs to survey the odds and ends I had picked out for her, and to see if there was anything I might be missing.
Then something very interesting happened. I found myself genuinely enjoying the time with this person. It was someone new, yet with elements of someone familiar. We joked and we laughed together, and at one point I even found myself tickling her. I don't know how she feels, but I might even say we flirted a bit. One thing is certain, though. Seeing her beautiful smile had a profound impact on me.
At one point, we ended up kissing. I have replayed that in my mind dozens of times, and I continue to do so. For that brief time, I felt complete. I knew it had to end, but those precious few moments will live in my memory for eternity.
Then, after everything was packed up and it was time for her to leave, she got into the truck (actually, it's a Durango), and it became clear that we were going to kiss again, so I paused and asked her if it was for me, or for her. (Based on the previous visit, I was afraid it was something she was indifferent to, but was doing because she knew I wanted it.) She told me it was for both of us, and my heart melted.
She called me when she got home to let me know she made it okay. Then, I slept as sound as a hibernating bear for the first time in a while.
I didn't cry, I didn't get upset, and I was proud of myself for being so strong - so optimistic - so in control of myself. What I did do was go home from work and spend several hours boxing up stuff for her.
When she arrived, it was a bit awkward at first. Do I hug her? How do I act? What do I say?
She looked spectacular. I mean that. She literally took my breath away. We've both lost a substantial amount of weight, and this was the first time I'd seen her in about two weeks. She was also wearing some new hoop earrings that are a different style than I'd grown used to seeing her wear. My heart skipped a few beats, and I felt myself growing as nervous as a teenager asking a girl to the prom.
Finally she broke the ice by asking me how I had been and giving me a hug. We went upstairs to survey the odds and ends I had picked out for her, and to see if there was anything I might be missing.
Then something very interesting happened. I found myself genuinely enjoying the time with this person. It was someone new, yet with elements of someone familiar. We joked and we laughed together, and at one point I even found myself tickling her. I don't know how she feels, but I might even say we flirted a bit. One thing is certain, though. Seeing her beautiful smile had a profound impact on me.
At one point, we ended up kissing. I have replayed that in my mind dozens of times, and I continue to do so. For that brief time, I felt complete. I knew it had to end, but those precious few moments will live in my memory for eternity.
Then, after everything was packed up and it was time for her to leave, she got into the truck (actually, it's a Durango), and it became clear that we were going to kiss again, so I paused and asked her if it was for me, or for her. (Based on the previous visit, I was afraid it was something she was indifferent to, but was doing because she knew I wanted it.) She told me it was for both of us, and my heart melted.
She called me when she got home to let me know she made it okay. Then, I slept as sound as a hibernating bear for the first time in a while.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Dentist Visit
As I mentioned, I went to the dentist yesterday for a cleaning. It was a mixed experience - part painful, part encouraging.
First, I ended up having to wait for a little bit before my appointment. As I was sitting there captive, listening to the music they pipe in, I got thrown a curve ball. The song Don't Know Why by Nora Jones started playing. This song is significant because my wife sang it at Karaoke on a cruise we took, so it always makes me think of her, and it reminds me of her beautiful voice and how pretty she looked that night.
I damned near started crying right there in the waiting room. I desperately wanted to get out of there, but I couldn't. I was trapped, and it was downright miserable. I swallowed the lump in my throat, choked back the tears, and tried to think about other things until the song was over.
Finally my turn came and I was able to escape purgatory. My hygienist came out, greeted me with her usual stunning smile, and invited me back.
Now, in the spirit of disclosure, I should say that I've had a "thing" for my hygienist for about the last 2 years. That may sound juicy, but it's fairly innocuous. She's happily married, as I was I, and it's something that both my wife and daughter teased me about - an open secret, as it were. Some people are just naturally sexy (it's something about the way they carry themselves). She is one of them.
During the course of our conversation, she asked me when my wife would be in. I had to explain that I didn't know, and then a little bit about why. She was absolutely shocked. Her words were "I can't believe that! She was just in here a while ago and she was telling me how wonderful you are!" I should start a club for people who are baffled by this. The membership would be huge.
During the course of the cleaning, at one pause, I tell her to make sure to give me a pretty smile because I'm going to need it now. Much to my surprise, she responds by saying that I already have a great smile, and there's nothing she needs to do. It made my day. :-)
First, I ended up having to wait for a little bit before my appointment. As I was sitting there captive, listening to the music they pipe in, I got thrown a curve ball. The song Don't Know Why by Nora Jones started playing. This song is significant because my wife sang it at Karaoke on a cruise we took, so it always makes me think of her, and it reminds me of her beautiful voice and how pretty she looked that night.
I damned near started crying right there in the waiting room. I desperately wanted to get out of there, but I couldn't. I was trapped, and it was downright miserable. I swallowed the lump in my throat, choked back the tears, and tried to think about other things until the song was over.
Finally my turn came and I was able to escape purgatory. My hygienist came out, greeted me with her usual stunning smile, and invited me back.
Now, in the spirit of disclosure, I should say that I've had a "thing" for my hygienist for about the last 2 years. That may sound juicy, but it's fairly innocuous. She's happily married, as I was I, and it's something that both my wife and daughter teased me about - an open secret, as it were. Some people are just naturally sexy (it's something about the way they carry themselves). She is one of them.
During the course of our conversation, she asked me when my wife would be in. I had to explain that I didn't know, and then a little bit about why. She was absolutely shocked. Her words were "I can't believe that! She was just in here a while ago and she was telling me how wonderful you are!" I should start a club for people who are baffled by this. The membership would be huge.
During the course of the cleaning, at one pause, I tell her to make sure to give me a pretty smile because I'm going to need it now. Much to my surprise, she responds by saying that I already have a great smile, and there's nothing she needs to do. It made my day. :-)
Another Notch
It's undeniable: I'm going to have to buy some new clothes. I had to drop another notch on my belt this morning.
I don't really do the saggy look, and I suspect my ass is starting to look like 5 pounds of crap rolling around in a 10 pound bag. I feel like I'm wearing a potato sack, and I'm not sure, but I think people feel like they should drop some money in my begging cup. ;-)
The sleeves on my shirt are also creeping up as my neck and shoulders get broader and thicker. Now I know how Bruce Banner must have felt.
While I'm limited in my work options because I have to wear a shirt & tie, this might be a nice time for me to pick up a new casual look for those off hours. Since I have about as much fashion sense as a rottweiler, I'll be soliciting guidance from some friends and my daughter.
These are good problems to have, and I'm grateful.
I don't really do the saggy look, and I suspect my ass is starting to look like 5 pounds of crap rolling around in a 10 pound bag. I feel like I'm wearing a potato sack, and I'm not sure, but I think people feel like they should drop some money in my begging cup. ;-)
The sleeves on my shirt are also creeping up as my neck and shoulders get broader and thicker. Now I know how Bruce Banner must have felt.
While I'm limited in my work options because I have to wear a shirt & tie, this might be a nice time for me to pick up a new casual look for those off hours. Since I have about as much fashion sense as a rottweiler, I'll be soliciting guidance from some friends and my daughter.
These are good problems to have, and I'm grateful.
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
Today's Theme
My thought for today is actually a couple of verses from the Chumbawamba song "Tubthumping". Given the situation, they seem very appropriate:
Succinct, germane, to the point, and yes, a bit cheesy. But it fits.
Don't cry for me
Next door neighbor...
I get knocked down
But I get up again
You're never going to keep me down
Succinct, germane, to the point, and yes, a bit cheesy. But it fits.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Acceptance
My daughter is waiting for me to go grocery shopping (we made a list of our meals and what we need to buy), so unfortunately, I don't have time to write a very detailed post right now. But, I realize that many people watch this blog and are concerned for me. That being the case, I'll offer a quick update and fill in the details later.
A very interesting thing happened the other night. I had a very painful conversation with my wife. It wasn't easy, and at one point she actually used the words "it's over". I resolved myself to accept the situation as it is, and live my life based on that. Right now, she is gone. Period. She isn't coming back, and I cannot sit out on the porch gazing over the horizon waiting to see her silhouette come walking down the road.
It's possible that she may find what she's looking for, and decide to come back. It's also possible that some rich relative I've never met will leave me a large inheritance, but I cannot make my decisions based upon either possibility. Time waits for no man, and I have to go on. If she has a change of heart in the future, the burden will be on her to win me back - not the other way around.
After I made the decision, I cried. When I finished, I accepted reality. That night, I slept the whole night through without waking up shivering in a puddle of sweat for the first time in a month. Sure, I have down moments during the day, but I'm trying to focus on the positive, and I managed to make it through the whole night again last night.
I've dropped about 17 pounds, and I've started to work out again. I'm feeling better both physically, and emotionally. It's not too surprising given that studies have shown exercise to help reduce stress. Admittedly, she looks great too. That's not so easy for me to accept, but again, it's reality.
I really appreciate the outpouring of support I've gotten. Thank you for continuing to watch me heal.
A very interesting thing happened the other night. I had a very painful conversation with my wife. It wasn't easy, and at one point she actually used the words "it's over". I resolved myself to accept the situation as it is, and live my life based on that. Right now, she is gone. Period. She isn't coming back, and I cannot sit out on the porch gazing over the horizon waiting to see her silhouette come walking down the road.
It's possible that she may find what she's looking for, and decide to come back. It's also possible that some rich relative I've never met will leave me a large inheritance, but I cannot make my decisions based upon either possibility. Time waits for no man, and I have to go on. If she has a change of heart in the future, the burden will be on her to win me back - not the other way around.
After I made the decision, I cried. When I finished, I accepted reality. That night, I slept the whole night through without waking up shivering in a puddle of sweat for the first time in a month. Sure, I have down moments during the day, but I'm trying to focus on the positive, and I managed to make it through the whole night again last night.
I've dropped about 17 pounds, and I've started to work out again. I'm feeling better both physically, and emotionally. It's not too surprising given that studies have shown exercise to help reduce stress. Admittedly, she looks great too. That's not so easy for me to accept, but again, it's reality.
I really appreciate the outpouring of support I've gotten. Thank you for continuing to watch me heal.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Looking Up
For some reason, I feel a lot better today. I'm realizing that this isn't the end. It's not even the beginning of the end. It's merely the end of the beginning.
I still love my wife, and I still want her back. No matter what happens, I always will. Still, it's nice to not feel so black.
Ironically, while I'm feeling better emotionally, I'm feeling worse physically. I'm one of those people who very rarely gets sick, and when I do, my immune system knocks it out quickly. Unfortunately, stress takes its toll even on me. I'm achy and I have a scratchy nasal passage and throat. Also, my knee is killing me today (7 years as a Paratrooper also takes a toll). But I know the knee will feel better in a day or so, and I'll probably just end up with a mild cold.
Perhaps one reason for my optimism is because things went well for my daughter's birthday last night. I picked up an ice cream cake for her (as requested), and cooked her favorite meal. The meal turned out great, she loved the cake, and she was ecstatic with the birthday presents (jewelry).
My kids have been my island of sanity through this. We seem to share each other's pain. I grieve when they do, and they hurt for me as much as themselves. I think seeing them a bit more happy perks me up, and I hope my new found optimism will have the same effect on them.
Another thing that has really helped me through this is my parents. I call them 5 or 6 times a day, and they are always willing to listen. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I complain, sometimes I rejoice. Regardless of the reason, they're always willing to share it with me and to offer some kind words and hope. I love you, mom & dad.
Although this is anonymous so I can't really give the credit deserved, it's worth mentioning that I also have a few close friends who have really stepped forward. You know who you are. All I can say is thank you for telling me when the sun is shining.
Finally, I think writing helps. I've always been an emotional creature. Unlike a lot of men, I prefer to talk about my feelings. I'm generally the one who wants to talk things out. Also, I like show tunes and theater - but don't tell anyone. ;-)
I still love my wife, and I still want her back. No matter what happens, I always will. Still, it's nice to not feel so black.
Ironically, while I'm feeling better emotionally, I'm feeling worse physically. I'm one of those people who very rarely gets sick, and when I do, my immune system knocks it out quickly. Unfortunately, stress takes its toll even on me. I'm achy and I have a scratchy nasal passage and throat. Also, my knee is killing me today (7 years as a Paratrooper also takes a toll). But I know the knee will feel better in a day or so, and I'll probably just end up with a mild cold.
Perhaps one reason for my optimism is because things went well for my daughter's birthday last night. I picked up an ice cream cake for her (as requested), and cooked her favorite meal. The meal turned out great, she loved the cake, and she was ecstatic with the birthday presents (jewelry).
My kids have been my island of sanity through this. We seem to share each other's pain. I grieve when they do, and they hurt for me as much as themselves. I think seeing them a bit more happy perks me up, and I hope my new found optimism will have the same effect on them.
Another thing that has really helped me through this is my parents. I call them 5 or 6 times a day, and they are always willing to listen. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I complain, sometimes I rejoice. Regardless of the reason, they're always willing to share it with me and to offer some kind words and hope. I love you, mom & dad.
Although this is anonymous so I can't really give the credit deserved, it's worth mentioning that I also have a few close friends who have really stepped forward. You know who you are. All I can say is thank you for telling me when the sun is shining.
Finally, I think writing helps. I've always been an emotional creature. Unlike a lot of men, I prefer to talk about my feelings. I'm generally the one who wants to talk things out. Also, I like show tunes and theater - but don't tell anyone. ;-)
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