Pendulum

An observer would note that the pendulum has now swung back the other way. I expect some who read this might find all of the back and forth maddening, but the point is to document my journey, so I have to write about where it takes me.

I'm struggling with depression, and I can't decide which is worse: the feeling that things will never get better, or the sense of apathy that seems to be taking hold. I've started having thoughts and feelings that are too deeply frightening and personal for even me to write about, but it seems to boil down to this: I'm tired, and I'm losing my will to fight. I feel like I'm flirting with insanity... or worse.

Some people don't understand why I would write about my most deeply personal feelings and experience. Some would even think I'm weak for showing such emotion, but that's fine. At the end of the day, we each have to cope with situations in a manner most effective for us.

I have a 9-day cruise booked for March. It's already paid for. My parents are going, and my wife and I had an adjoining room. While I enjoy spending time with my parents, I really don't want to cruise alone. Furthermore, since I've only cruised with my wife, I fear that being by myself would only serve as a reminder of what is gone.

To that end, I've made it no secret that I still want her to go -- even if only as friends. She has been "thinking about it". Last night, when I spoke with her very briefly, she said she didn't think she wanted to go. My heart sank. I wish there were some way I could change her mind.

She seems to be doing quite well. She shared some pictures with me of things she's been doing to her apartment, and I was floored. She's exercising a level of creativity that amazes me. (I asked her if I could post a link, and she said she would prefer that I didn't, so you'll just have to trust my description.) I was also torn about how I feel.

On one hand, here is this amazing woman who is creative, smart, and talented. Boy do I want to know her better! On the other hand, I feel a bit cheated. Why didn't she show me that side of her when we were together? Did she think I would shun her work?

I also feel a little sad about it. She is clearly having an easier time with this than I am. It reminds me of the chorus to She's Gonna Make It:

She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of that mountain
She's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will

Last night my son had a meltdown. This happens from time to time, but this episode was especially venomous. Generally, I just try to give him space until he calms down, but at one point, he said "I know I'm part of the reason [my wife] left." I stopped what I was doing and said, "That's not true. Come here and let's talk about it, son."

He fired back, "Oh, so you'll talk about that but not other stuff?" I told him that was low, and I didn't want to be manipulated. Then he said, "You wanna know why [my wife's name] left? Because you're a lazy bum!"

Although I know they were merely the words of a child said in a moment of anger, I could not prevent being wounded by them. That nagging doubt in the back of my mind began asking whether or not maybe he observed something I had missed.

When I crawled into bed (which, this week happens to be the couch downstairs because I have company), I was really looking forward to sleep. Yes, I was tired - not just physically, but mentally, and emotionally - more than that, though, I wanted the escape offered by a deep slumber.

My wife has maintained that anytime I need to talk, if I'm having a rough night, I can call her. I decided to cash in that blue chip, and I called. We chatted very briefly, but then she complained of a sore throat and said she didn't want to talk anymore. I burrowed into my pile of blankets, and began my search for sleep. When it finally came, it was deep and restful, punctuated with dreams about the upcoming cruise.

When I got up this morning, I had another nasty surprise. As I have mentioned, I'm embroiled in custody litigation with my first wife. I could write page after page of the details, but the crux of it comes down to this: I already have primary physical custody of my son, my daughter has lived with me for two years, I want to memorialize the current situation with the court to make the legal documentation more accurately reflective of the current situation.

After some wrangling between attorneys (and her attorney telling her that her case was unwinnable), I ultimately extended a settlement offer to her that involved each of us paying our own legal fees, her not having to pay child support, and her getting extremely liberal visitation with the kids. She agreed that it was "fair" (a very subjective term), and I had my attorney draft the paperwork.

Although she's had the settlement paperwork for a month, and she's even signed and notarized it, she has yet to deliver it to my attorney to be filed. Recently, she's started dodging my phone calls, so when I finally was able to speak to her Saturday, I explained that this had gone on long enough, and that if she didn't have the papers to my attorney by 5PM Monday, I would be forced to rescind the settlement offer and simply allow the judge to decide what is and is not fair.

Sunday night around midnight, she called my daughter and told her to tell me to speak with her before I talked to my attorney. I've spent the last 2 days trying to call her, but she's still dodging.

What greeted me this morning was a note my daughter left for me when she went to school. It read:

Daddy,

Can you please stop the legal fighting with my mom? Yesterday, she called me to say that she was going to turn in the papers today, but she never wants to talk to me ever again because I'm not her daughter anymore. I don't know what to do. I know you've spent a lot of money on this, but everything is completely out of my control. Help Me.

- [her name]

In a word: despicable. I'd love to call her mother and explain how inappropriate and damaging that was, but she still won't take my calls. Instead, I'll make a note to talk to my daughter's therapist about it, and try to be as understanding and supportive as I can.

And so my life goes on, one day at a time, one challenge after another. I keep hoping things will get better, but I'm terrified that I may have reached my breaking point. I'm standing on the precipice, and the ground is crumbling beneath my feet.

On Life and Being Single

It's a funny thing. The stereotypical "male response" to situations like this seems to be to go crazy with new found freedom. That may be the stereotype, but that's not how I feel at all.

Several weeks ago, I had a funny conversation with my son. It went something like this:

Him: Dad?
Me: Yes, son?
Him: Does this mean you're going to start dating again?
Me: Oh, I don't know, son - probably eventually. We'll have to see how it goes.
Him: I don't want you to.
Me: Why not?
Him: Because I don't want you bringing any skanks home.
Me: (laughing) Well, I'm not really attracted to those type of women, so I don't think you need to worry.
Him: (pausing to think) What about "money grubbers"?
Me: I'll be careful. I think I'll be okay.
Him: Okay, in that case, I want you start dating. Why don't you go on a date this weekend?
Me: (smiling) Well, son, I'm not really ready for that. How about this: when I feel ready, if I happen to meet an attractive lady and I feel like I'd like to have dinner with her or go to a movie, I'll ask her out then.
Him: Okay
(I give him a hug, and he seems more cheerful)

So here we are several weeks later. I haven't been on any dates, I'm not seeing anyone or grooming anyone to see them later, and I have no plans to do so. I did have a nice phone conversation that helped put things in perspective, but as I predicted, nothing came of it, and that's fine with me. I guess you could say I'm taking a little time to get to know myself.

I've gotten used to my new role as single parent. I don't mind running the house by myself, doing the cooking, or any of that. Mostly, my unmet needs at this point are emotional. It would be nice to share life's problems with someone, or to have that encouraging hug when I've had a rough day.

Everyone tells me how well I'm doing, how strong I am, and how fast I'm getting through this. Outwardly, that is certainly the case. From my perspective, though, it's Hobson's Choice. Of course I continue - I have children to worry about. Of course I go to work - I have bills to pay.
Of course I look on the bright side of life - the alternative is much much worse.

I actually started humming an old song yesterday (must be my subconscious at work), and when I realized it, I looked up the lyrics. They fit this situation rather well. Here's a sample from part of the song (emphasis added):

Ever since I met you
You're the only love I've known
And I can't forget you
Though I must face it all alone

All at once,
I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Wishing you'd come back to me
And that's all that matters now

All at once,
I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Holding on to memories
And it hurts me more than you know
So much more than it shows
All at once

Nobody ever said it would be easy, and it's not. But I keep going forward, one day it a time, one foot in front of the other, as the journey continues.

Father to a Daughter

My daughter and I have a great relationship. I'd even go so far as to say she feels comfortable talking to me about almost anything (how many dads out there were the first to know when their daughters entered puberty?) Through this experience, she has become fiercely loyal to her daddy. Sure, she was my girl before, but with this shared experience, we seem to have an even stronger bond.

For the record, I also have a very close relationship with my son. That said, the purpose of this post is to talk about what's going on with my daughter. I'll discuss my son in another post.

Today my little girl (I guess 15 still counts as a "little girl" to a father) had final exams, so she was out of school at 9:30. She took public transportation home, and called me when she was on her way. When I talked to her, she said she was really close to the grocery store, and asked if I would like her to stop and pick up some of the turkey sandwiches we both like so much. That way we could share them for lunch. She even paid with her own money! Lunch with a daughter may seem like a small thing, but it's something that I really treasure.

As I've said, I have a great relationship with my daughter, and I support her in a fair amount of activities (e.g. ice skating). Still, as a single dad, I think it's important for her to have a positive female role model as much as possible. So when she asked me to take her shopping for some clothes, I decided that was an opportunity for her to have a little womanly mentoring. Thus I asked a very special friend if she would mind taking my daughter on a little field trip.

In the spirit of anonymity, I cannot disclose the identity of this individual (she's happily married, so don't go getting any ideas). I will say that I really appreciate her support, though. She and her husband have really been there for me through this. So yesterday she and my daughter took their little field trip, and I think it was a very positive experience for both of them.

I'm realizing that although there are some things that I cannot do by myself, that doesn't mean I will falter or fail. At the end of the day, I'm a person who gets things done. Sure, sometimes I have to be a little creative, but the results are what matter.

Hope

"Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

- The character Red in The Shawshank Redemption

I had a better night last night. My wife came over to help get my son ready for a choral concert, and then we attended the concert as a family. Things almost felt normal for a while, and it was a welcome respite from the suffering. Even temporary relief is relief.

I did make one slip up: I showed her this blog. I knew it was a risk, but I decided to take it. She felt like it was an attempt on my part to make her feel guilty. Actually, she was part right. It was an attempt on my part to influence her feelings, but guilt wasn't a factor in what I had in mind. I guess I keep hoping for one of those great movie moments where the wife has the dawning realization that her husband loves her, and she loves him. Guess what, movie buffs-- things don't work that way in real life (or so I'm finding out).

After my faux pas, and based on what she perceived as an unfavorable reception from the kids, she was inclined to leave before the concert. I convinced her to go along, and agreed that she wouldn't have to stay for dinner after if she were uncomfortable. As it turns out, she opted to stay (even if briefly).

We talked a little, and I was reminded of the friendship aspect of our relationship. The simple truth is that I really do enjoy her company. She has a great sense of humor, and we have literally hundreds of inside jokes that nobody else would understand.

Which brings me back to hope. She agreed to go to some counseling with me after things calm down a bit. We also tentatively have a date to go to the movies this weekend, and we're playing it by ear to see how it goes for Christmas.

Hope keeps me going, but it also scares the hell out of me because I'm afraid it will cloud my judgement. Will I be able to see a problem, or will I be a damn fool and ignore the truth merely because it's not what I hope will happen? Is it reasonable of me to hope I can win her back, or is she merely being nice to me out of respect because she's a good person?

She is a good person, but I'm hoping that she's not just being nice. That's not to say I want her to be mean, it's merely a question of me hoping that there is some deeper meaning in how she treats me.

I slept a little better last night. I only woke up shivering and soaked in sweat twice. That may sound like a lot, but it was a vast improvement from the night before. Also, although I woke about every hour or two, I still got more sleep. Things always seem better with a hot meal and a night's sleep.

I hope the rest of the day goes as well. Her and I are supposed to goChristmas shopping for the kids tonight.

A Daughter's Love

Mixed in with the other emotions I'm going through, is an ample dose of guilt. I feel terribly that I was not able to shelter my kids from this. True, some things are beyond my control, but I still feel responsible for any unhappiness they may have as a result.

My daughter turns 15 in about a week, and my son 13 a week after that. They are both exceptionally smart, and very empathetic. Last night, when we had to tell them their step mom (who, by the way, I've been with more than twice as long as I was with their mother, and who has also been an important figure in their lives) was moving out, it broke my heart. Unbelievably, these two kids, who clearly have their own pain to deal with, were more concerned with my well-being than anything else.

Demonstrative of this point, at about midnight last night, my daughter slipped a note into my room. It was neatly folded, and on the outside was written "Sleep well, Daddy!". The inside makes me cry every time I read it. Here's what it says:

Daddy,

I love you so much!!! To me, you are the bravest person in the world. Tonight is probably going to be the toughest night on you probably in your whole life, but I just want you to know that I feel your pain, too, and I will be here for you all night if you need me. You're the only person I've got to lean on. you're my only friend closer than 2,000 miles. I know things will turn out better, no matter what happens. Things couldn't get much worse than what has happened. If you're there for me, I'll be there for you. I love you! [heart]

[her nickname]